Gadzooks

It’s been a very demanding week. On television, it appears many of the candidates are nouveau riche, indicating they have money now, but didn’t use to have it. This is very disappointing. To appreciate money, one needs to have grown up with it. How on earth can these upstarts handle the country?

I’m told on good authority that it’s chic to be a Democrat this year, so I suppose if I want the appropriate grants for my charter school that I’ll have to at least pretend. I suppose I could change my party affiliation, as Mikey did when it became expedient. Still, when Mikey runs, I’ll have to throw him my support and appear to be independent.

Must dash. Muffy is occupied with the gardener and requesting some tools I’ve never heard of before. Dash those modern conveniences.

The Smellington Academy

Greetings friends. This is a time for reflection and resolution, and as it’s been a heck of a good year, financially speaking, I’ve resolved to start a new charter school, at government expense of course. As times are good, rabble are working more hours for less pay, and our school will emphasize that.

First of all, we will provide housing for teachers. This has proven to be a huge problem for many recruiting efforts in this city, and we’ve found a quick and easy way to resolve it. We will provide cots in the basements of the buildings we use, and our teachers can sleep there. Naturally we will deduct the cost of rent from their salaries. We will also provide meal tickets, and the teachers will be required to eat in our cafeteria. We will also provide uniforms and deduct that from the teacher salary.

As we are a profit-based organization, we will not offer high salaries. Thus, after deductions, it will be likely that the teachers will owe us a substantial sum. Naturally, we will provide ample opportunity for teachers to work off debt. These opportunities will come in the form of cafeteria and custodial jobs, and perhaps even work around the Worthington household. We may even send one or two teachers to clean the streets, thus contributing to our fair city.

School will run six days a week, and teachers will be on call when not working. Thus, parents of the rabble will be able to contact them at any time. However, should parents call when teachers are working in the cafeteria, phone time will be deducted from their wages.

We anticipate very little teacher turnover. This is because the rate of indebtedness should increase with time. Naturally we will have our employees sign waivers, so that upon death, debts may be passed to next of kin. As we are big-hearted, we will offer kin ample opportunity to work off the debt of their ancestors, as well as accruing new debt of their very own.

We are an equal-opportunity employer, and we will dispense with such nonsense as teacher certification. We will train the rabble in what to expect, and hopefully many of our graduates will come to teach at our school. This is the new paradigm, and remember you saw it here first.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Reasons to Be Thankful

This is the time of year when one needs to reflect on one’s blessings. There are, of course, the things one takes for granted, like the trust fund, the stock portfolio, and the real-estate holdings, but at this time, one needs to look inward, and reflect upon the things one has acquired.

It’s not easy to get good help nowadays, yet all the servants in our household are fairly reliable, and easily replaced if necessary. None of them clamor for health insurance, time off or raises, as they all remember what led to poor Raul’s deportation. Muffy was upset about that, but ever since she hired the new lawn boy, she’s seemed much better. Doubtless she’s learned that one servant is as good as another, and there’s a blessing right there.

Certainly we can be grateful for the private schools that keep our children far away from the rabble, and for Mikey, who arranged to devote the athletic fields on Randall’s Island to people of class. The urchins can and do get plenty of exercise on the street, and may as well get used to it. Certainly when Chatty becomes mayor, we’ll establish a voucher system, and hopefully it won’t provide near enough of a contribution to allow the rabble to attend anything but the cheapest of private schools, if that much.

Finally, I’m grateful to live in a country where the lower classes are finally being made to work more for less money. As the great Ronald Reagan said, the higher classes should be monied, and the lower classes need to wait for it to trickle down to them. So, in summary, they need to have faith, and we need to have capital. It’s as simple as that.

A happy holiday to all, and you don’t have to let the servants bully you into giving them days off. Remember, you can dismiss them whenever you like. Be thankful for that.

Smellington G. Worthington III

The Lead Teacher

Recently Muffy and I have been examining the weblogs that teachers write. We became very interested when we started reading about “Lead Teachers.” Now Muffy and I occasionally watch “Iron Chef,” as Cook now and then becomes tiresome. We’ll often have Cook watch the Tivo and duplicate the recipes.

In any case, there seems to be some sort of hoopla over becoming an “Iron Chef.” However, who would want to be a “Lead Teacher?” I could see if it were named after a precious metal. Who wouldn’t want to be a “Platinum Teacher” or even a “Gold Teacher?” But “Lead Teacher?” Sounds like a dog’s dinner to me.

And therein is the problem with the school system today. If we’d adjust the names, perhaps we could convince the teachers that this is some sort of honor. This would, perhaps, prevent them from asking for so much money, and would open up just so much more for investment purposes. You may not realize this, but “Lead Teachers” actually get paid more money than regular teachers. And who can blame the plebs for taking the money, after having this degrading moniker hung around their necks?

I say, Mikey, get with the program old chap! Let’s have “Platinum Teachers” and “Gold Teachers.” Let’s freely dispense free prestige, and halt the process of dispensing valuable taxpayer dollars. These dollars could be used for tax breaks for investors and real-estate speculation. Let’s not throw them away on salaries for the lower classes!

Smellington G. Worthington III

What Is the Meaning of This?

Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of brouhaha over James Liebman. Now let me state uncategorically that Jimmy is a fine man, just bully, and he’s done a lot to make sure New York City gets just what he deserves. When that preposterous survey showed the number one concern of parents was class size, he was able to add several other categories and show that what they said was not actually what they wanted.

Now the other day, a bunch of rabble wanted to give him a petition of some sort, claiming to have given birth to some local urchins. Now anyone can have children, even the lower classes, so what’s so special about that? In any case, Jimmy had just spent three hours answering impertinent questions from several ill-mannered politicians. Naturally, he was exhausted and wanted to retire to his club. So why on earth couldn’t the rabble have saved their petitions for a more convenient occasion?

What’s a few extra months, or years, when you’ve got a plan? You know none of these rabble have portfolios, so they’re patently incapable of thinking long term. I suggest they publicly apologize to Jimmy and declare their allegiance to Mikey and Joel, who’ve clearly done everything possible to minimize the bad publicity these awful schools tend to generate.

For the love of Smedley, wake up America, and smell the caviar!

Smellington G. Worthington III

That’s the Ticket

Billionaires for Educational Reform have decided to endorse privatization of all schools. For goodness sake, public schools are a drain on the economy. How on earth are we supposed to profit when our taxes simply pay salaries and educate little urchins?

Now think about this; if we were to privatize, we could make all schools for profit enterprises . That means more money for me, for Muffy, and for Mikey Bloomberg, who may become a philanthropist (or a philatelist, I always mix up the two). Naturally, since we’d be taking their money, we’d make sure to instill a sense of civic responsibility in the little buggers.

Let me give you an example. Yesterday, Muffy and I were getting massages in the day room. One of the masseuses, a fetching young thing, had the impertinence to ask how much one of the wall-hangings cost. I mean, how gauche! Students who passed through our schools wouldn’t ask such questions, or indeed any questions. They’d learn to speak when they are spoken to, an admirable quality in the lower classes.

I’m encouraged by the public response to this little venture, and I certainly hope our new visitors will continue to support us as we gradually lay our our vision for the future.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Hire That Man

Well, Smelly, that GBN News chap is at it again, savaging our boy Mikey and his lawyer friend Klein. One can well imagine I was in a bit of a snit over that one, all right. But then I got to thinking. Chatty, old boy, I said to myself, we need that fellow to serve us instead! He’s said it himself, for a mere $150,000 a year, he’ll come over to our side. Why, he’s even auditioned for the part, did one fine article among all the drivel on that infernal Parent Blog.

Imagine, Smelly, what that boy could do for us. Think of what he could write about that Haimson woman, for instance. “Class Size Matters” indeed! Class size does matter, of course. The more of those public school urchins we can put in a class, the better, I say. Teach a hundred of them in a class and look at the money you save on teachers. Why do you think Mikey got Joel to close all those schools? Now that’s the sort of school reform only a billionaire can come up with! And I’ll bet that GBN bloke could even get the masses to think it’s for their own good.

Not that any of our children will have to endure classes like that, not in our private schools with 14 or less in a class. But our kids need a real education, after all, since they will be the ones inheriting our billions some day, and running the world. All those public school kids need to learn is to do our bidding and not to question; where will we be if they ever learn to think for themselves, anyhow?

Yes, Smelly, we need that GBN chap. I might even make him Press Secretary for my campaign. Fellow with that sort of talent, he could even get people to think I’m just like a commoner. As long as I don’t have to take the subway. Ugh, I don’t know how Mikey does it. Must have a shower in that SUV that picks him up at the station.

So think about it, Smelly. $150,000, I drop that much at lunch. Not much of an investment, but it could be just the ticket for our cause.

Cheerio!
Chatsworth Runforth III

What’s All This Hubbub?

This morning Muffy got on that infernal computer, and started reading those awful things those teachers write, weblogs I think they call them. Irritatingly, the first one she read me was this one, written by a president of some sort. This upstart referred to the ” anti-union bottom-feeding mega-retailer, Wal-Mart,” and then had the audacity to complain that it offered money to fund charter schools! Now how on earth can you complain about a company that gives away money for education? And who wants a bunch of union thugs crying about their money and lowering profits for investors?

Next, this association has the unmitigated audacity to comment, “No word on whether students and non-unionized teachers will have to wear blue vests and greet people at the door as they enter.” However, a truly disrespectful article was this one, which not only criticized my good friends the Waltons, but also took a snipe at Whitney Tilson.

Now Whitney, through his hedge funds, has helped to make a lot of rich people even richer. Where’s a more noble cause than that, for goodness sake? And if investing in Wal-Mart helped him do so, I say jolly good! As for the plebeians who whine over how Wal-Mart did this or that, all I can say is they’re opening schools for your vile spawn! How dare you question them?

When Chatty is Mayor, we’ll take steps to block these vile sites so New Yorkers can get information from reliable sources.

Like this one, of course.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Mikey For President, Chatty For Mayor

Smelly, old bean,

I just read in that infernal NYC Parent Blog that if term limits are ended, Mikey could go for a third term. Now, the man’s done a bang-up job, no question, and only a billionaire can truly reform our schools to meet the needs and desires of the truly wealthy. But he’s not the only billionaire, as we on this blog well know. He’s made a good start, but he’s new money; it takes someone like myself who grew up rich to really mold this city in our image. It’s time he moved aside for old money to take over.

 So I say, we work to get that chap to stop pussy-footing around and declare his candidacy for President once and for all. Not only will this make room for yours truly to take over as Mayor, but think of the possibilities with one of our own as President. Yachting on the Potomac, Polo on the White House lawn. No Child will be Left Behind, they’ll all be in our mansions, our clubs and our stables to serve us.

 And we’ll finally have efficient government and efficient public schools. No wasting our valuable time waiting for contract bids when we know our friends can do the best job. No waiting for “input” from so-called “stakeholders” who don’t even have enough money to send their kids to private schools. We’ll ban cell phones in schools all over the country, and only children who earn them as rewards for subservient behavior will be allowed to have them. And no depending on a bunch of cheap lawyers to get rid of trouble-making “experienced” teachers that think they’re hot stuff just because they actually studied education. We’ll have the whole FBI at our disposal for that purpose, and Attorney General Joel Klein will make sure of it.

So let’s get on the bandwagon. Mikey for President and Chatty for Mayor! That’ll be the ticket.

Cheerio, pip-pip and all that,

Chatsworth Runforth III

Hip Hip Hooray

And a large round of “attaboy” to fellow billionaire Patrick Byrne, chief executive of Overstock.com. After the voucher measure he financed went down to ignominious defeat, he called the referendum a state IQ test that the voters failed.

Bravo, Patty old boy. Why on earth should people like us have to shoulder the entire cost of education for our kids while the great rabble sends their spawn to the nearest available public schools at our expense? Why should we have to support their urchins and our own children as well?

Don’t those low-IQ Philistines know that the more money we have, the more money they will eventually have? It’s all about investment. While they may go out and squander their money on food, or rent, or whatever such individuals spend it on, we’ll invest the money in the economy, which will benefit everyone.

Cheers again to Patty for putting the billionaire point of view front and center! We need more like him!

Smellington G. Worthington III

Now That’s Progress

I was pleased as punch to be sent the video that appears below. Apparently, serfdom is not dead, and I’m told by reliable sources that Chancellor Joel Klein has his own serf speaking for him. Let me be the first to shout, bravo!

Now serfdom is traditionally associated with agriculture, but here’s further evidence that Joel is not only a reformer, but an innovator as well. While I would not have dressed my serf up in a suit, it was quite effective as a counter to that upstart who’s failed to get with the program at PEP meetings.

Why not acquire more serfs, and have them work as teachers? Rather than the 7 hour day associated with that awful union contract, we could have them work double shifts. We could place cots in school basements where they could sleep before going back to work. Another great benefit would be reducing the need to pay for enrichment programs.

Why shouldn’t our serfs work Saturdays and Sundays? Does anyone really believe the serfs of yore took weekends or holidays?

Now certainly we’d have to feed them, and I fail to see why we couldn’t simply acquire kitchen serfs in lieu of those “lunch ladies.” I suppose the only problem would be the carnal temptations with all those teachers and cafeteria workers co-habitating in the basement, but a few well-publicized dismissals and the serfs would soon learn their places.

Once again, bravo Joel. I never knew you were so innovative.

Smellington G. Worthington III

A Few Brilliant Thoughts

Tally-Ho, Smelly old chap -

Your “Modest Proposal”, while lacking the dramatic quality of the Jonathan Swift original, is one which I should be sure to adopt immediately upon being crowned - I mean, being elected Mayor. By the way, I’ve already had one applicant to be my schools Chancellor. I told him I’d try him out in the stables first, we’ll see how he stacks up to Klein in the manure shoveling department.

Believe it or not, I’m still typing this blog drivel myself. Hired a recent NY City high school graduate to be my secretary, but she couldn’t type a whit. Whenever I dictated to her, she kept asking me if this was going to be on the test. Then she took out a number 2 pencil and asked me where were the little bubbles to fill out. Curious, that! Now, I know Mikey and his lawyer friend Joel know what they’re doing, which is training the unwashed to be better and more high tech servants, so I have to think that this girl as a high school graduate is capable of doing my bidding.

I’ve got it now, by Jove! I must put all my dictation in the form of  multiple choice tests. That’s what they’re training the students to do, they’ll do a bang-up job that way. Brilliant, Mikey! Brilliant, Joel! An educational policy worthy of a billionaire!

Cheerio till next time, old bean.

Chatsworth Runforth III

A Modest Proposal

What on earth is with this Randi Weingarten character anyway? How dare she hold a vigil to protest Mikey’s polices? This is an unprecedented incursion on his right to do as what he pleases, whenever he pleases and he’s certainly earned the right to do that. After all, what’s the meaning of mayoral control if Mikey can’t do whatever he feels like?

Furthermore, he’s invested quite a bit into this city, and spent millions to become mayor. I ask you, how much has Randi Weingarten spent? Has she even got millions? And if she’s not astute enough to have acquired even a few million, why should she imagine anyone would listen to her?

Now as far as I’ve heard, this whole brouhaha is over Mikey’s unfettered right to fire employees. Now I know, there’s some union thing that makes it difficult, but Mikey’s trying to find away around it. So let me, Smellington G. Worthington III, propose a solution that will please all parties.

Mikey, you want to fire a few of the great unwashed. Randi Weingarten, you want to preserve your union, so let’s compromise. For every teacher Mikey fires, he will simply hire another teacher. Then there will be the same number of teachers, and you, Randi Weingarten will have just as many people in the union. That’s fair, isn’t it? Everyone wins. That’s the billionaire solution.

There’s a reason why billionaires ought to be in charge, and that’s why I’m thankful that Mikey is running the city. Where there are problems, we have solutions. So I thank Randi Weingarten in advance for bowing to our superior intellect. And if she doubts we have it, I’ll show her our passbooks and portfolios.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Muffy Tackles Class Size

While Smellington and I were in the Jacuzzi the other day we were discussing the vexing issue of class size.

We’re both rather tired of seeing Mike and Joel beaten up in the media about their refusal to lower the large class sizes in the public schools. Why, I asked Smelly, if parents care so much about smaller classes, don’t they simply send their children to private school, as we do? After all, Mike sent his two lovely daughters to Spence, and Joel’s stepdaughter attended Ms. Porter’s in Connecticut. I’ve heard that at both schools classes are no larger than 14 students or so.

Smellington explained to me that not everyone can afford the $30,000 a year in tuition that these schools cost, but that if public schools were just as good as private schools, there would be less incentive for people to earn enough to afford the tuition and this would weaken one of the prime engines of capitalism. So in order to make sure that our economy keeps purring along, there must be two grades of schools, one with large classes and the other with small classes but unaffordable for the masses, so that they’ll continue to strive upwards.

Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?

Muffy Hindenburg

Outrageous!

First of all, I’d like to thank Chatty Runsforth for his invaluable contribution, and the many of you who’ve come over to investigate our new project. I urge you all to get out your checkbooks for Chatty. It’s important we keep one of our own running City Hall.

That said, I’m a reasonable chap, by all accounts. But this rabble in the schools has just become too much. There comes a time when a chap has to stand up and say, “What ho!”

Now in the video below, early on you see Chancellor Klein, the longest-sitting chancellor in years, taking an important message on his portable telephonic device. Yet the blaggards in this room not only fail to show him due respect, they continue talking. This is outrageous! Why if my servants were to behave in this fashion, they’d be on the street in no time.

Anyhoo, as the meeting continues a slide comes up that indicates class size is the number one concern of city parents. Quite reasonably, the wise gentlemen working for Chancellor Klein simply added together a bunch of other concerns so that class size was no longer the main issue.

Yet some upstart on the board takes exception to this wise decision and dares to question it! Now I’m not one to criticize Mikey Bloomberg, but for goodness sakes, why doesn’t he simply fire that bounder? Give him his severance pay and toss him into the street!

No more mollycoddling! Let them pull themselves up by their bootstraps, just like I did.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Greetings from Chatsworth Runforth III

Well done, Smelly, fine blog! “Billionaires For Educational Reform”, that’s us in a nutshell. Of course, there’s also that upstart Bloomberg, him with his “new money”. But I daresay we have to keep up appearances with him, he has done a fine job, whatever the hell he’s been doing with that lawyer friend of his, Klein. Smart guy, that Klein, useful I suppose. You need lawyers to get rid of those incompetent teachers who think they know more than we do. But what’s he worth, a few million?

Still, this “blogging” is tiresome, having to type this drivel all by myself. Bloomy’s right, you know, we really do need to train a higher tech class of servant these days. Can’t even find a live-in who can work a computer. How am I to run for Mayor with the incompetent help we get these days?

Speaking of my run for Mayor, I hear the cost is going up. What did Bloomy spend, $250 million? Probably cost me half a billion this time. And he thinks he can be President for just a billion? He’ll have to spend at least two or three. And if he makes it, Klein will be Education Secretary and I’ll have to find a new Chancellor. Maybe that Alberto Gonzales fellow, he needs a job, and he’s a lawyer too. He’ll have those teachers waterboarding in no time. Great sport, Smelly, waterboarding. We can bet on it down at the club.

Well, Smelly, that’s enough blogging for me for one night. Keep up the good work!

Chatsworth Runforth III

Muffy’s Diary

Smelly and I bumped into Mike and Joel at the Century Club; we told them what a fabulous job they’re doing with the public schools. Not that we actually know anyone who sends their kids to one – but we simply love those ads on TV showing all the improvements they’ve made!

We also love what they’re doing with trying to get rid of incompetent teachers – why anyone should want to stick around as a teacher beyond one or two years anyway is beyond me.

In fact, wanting to stay as a teacher probably disqualifies one automatically, since anyone with brains or talent would naturally want to move on in a couple of years to law school or Wall St. In fact, our nephew, Spence, is graduating from Yale this spring and planning to go into TFA and teach in the Bronx; luckily he got a slot at Morgan Chase reserved for when he’s had enough giving back to society and is ready to move on.

Muffy Hindenburg

Welcome

Here at Billionaires for Educational Reform, we will decide the best ways to train the great unwashed. We’ve had it up to here with paying taxes for an educational system that’s of no earthly use to us, and we’re investigating new ways to turn out a more suitable class of worker.

For one thing, we’re livid about job protection for teachers. Since teachers seem to make more money as they work more years, why not simply fire them before they reach high salaries? Then, we can replace them with new teachers and fire them after a few years.

This will not only keep salaries down, but will save us the necessity of paying for pensions. I mean, for goodness’ sake, why can’t these people live off their investments and rental properties? I had to pull myself up by my bootstraps with nothing but a trust fund, a string of properties, and my inheritance. Let them do the same.

Let’s get in there and start making the system work for us. If we must fund public schools, let’s make sure that they benefit us.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Well I Never

As we were circling the park in our carriage this evening after our Thanksgiving repast, I couldn’t help but observe the rabble everywhere, meandering this way and that. I asked the Missus, “Mommy, for the love of Pete, why aren’t these people working?”

She pointed out that the public school system is failing us. How can we train the working class to serve us when they go to school only five days a week, and only six or seven hours a day?

What we need are more schools like KIPP, which train them to work round the clock and weekends. Let’s move toward a fourteen-hour day. I mean, honestly, how can you get good help when they want to go home, they want to see their families, they want to watch television, or they want to go to the movies? Let’s get back to “If you don’t come in Sunday, don’t come in Monday.

That’s the ticket.

Smellington G. Worthington III