I say, I’ve just read a really ripping yarn about the good work Mike and Joel are up to, and I’ve been trying to coax Muffy away from the pool to tell her, but she tells me she’s all tied up.  She and that wacky poolboy!  What fresh mischief will they next concoct?

Regardless, you must read instantly about this.  By Jove, think of the money this school saves.  You could stock your bar with absolutely top-shelf stuff simply with the money you save from not having a gym.  Make the urchins run around in the snow, I say!  That’ll burn the calories they get from eating those hamburg sandwiches that are so popular with the young Rabble nowadays.

And it’s a lovely notion to feed the urchins lunch at 9 AM.  This way, right after breakfast, the servants clean only once daily and you can dismiss them early with half pay.  And not only that, but the serving room can double as a classroom after, and just think how much Rabble you can fit into a large room like that.  If you have 800 Bootless and Unhorsed, you need only hire one teacher, or you could have the cleaning staff double as teachers, and there you are!

This is going to be just the sort of leadership we need for the Smellington Academy.  As you can see from the quotes in the story, the Rabble enjoy being treated like this, so why all this fuss about wasteful reduction of class size?  Increase it, say I, and the more the better.  The fewer pedagogues in our employ, the fewer of my hard-inherited dollars go toward keeping the Rabble in their Place.

And you can shovel 90% of them out on time.  Fortunately, at the Smellington Academy, we can relegate the rest of them to this model public school, or some other public school, until we eliminate the public schools altogether and get the Rabble back onto the street where they belong.  Let them smear a little dirt on their faces and sell Chiclets on the street.

I say, I haven’t had a good Chiclet in a dog’s age.  Well, must dash.  The serving staff seem to be breaking down the closet door, and they want me to supervise the untying of poor Muffy.  Who knew she was speaking literally?  Oh bother.

Smellington G. Worthington III

I say, it’s a great day for billionaires everywhere, as the US Supreme Court finally restores fairness to campaigning

Previously, if someone like Mike, or me, were to wish to purchase City Hall, our opponents, simply by virtue of their poverty, would have been able to accept triple contributions from individual donors.  Now I ask you, is it fair that we should be discriminated against simply because we know which hedge funds merit investment?  Is it our fault if our opponents have squandered their trust funds?

Let me be the first to say bully for our great court, and shame on the New York Times for favoring the Bootless and Unhorsed over those who are truly entitled.  We’ve taken this country and made it into what it is today, and billionaires are suffering less than at any time in our history.

Hip, hip, hooray!

Regrets for neglecting the old bloggywog.  Have been yachting at St. Barts with Muffy and the poolboy.  Told Muffy we didn’t need the poolboy on the yacht but Muff said we also needed a yachtboy at the pool.  Muffy and pool boy spent a great deal of time discussing the viability of adding a pool to the yacht, but it all came to naught.

I’ve been hearing a great deal about Joel and this Al Sharpton bloke.  They say if Joel spends enough time running around with this fellow it may convince the Great Unwashed that we don’t worry simply about People Like Us.  Now this may be true, but it certainly seems to me that People Like Us should be running the system.  I mean, we can’t have blokes educated in public schools running them.  That just won’t wash, old bean.  And if you’re part of the Great Unwashed, you can’t expect the likes of Joel or me to come around and wash you.

So let’s tread carefully, Joel, with this Sharpton chap.  Let him get his picture on the telly, or whatever, but let’s not have him muddying our agenda.  When the Smellington Academy opens in 09, we’ll show them a thing or three.

Well, must dash.  Have to take the pheasant out from under the glass.  Pheasants really should not be kept under glass.  Peasants, of course, are another issue entirely.

It’s been a very demanding week. On television, it appears many of the candidates are nouveau riche, indicating they have money now, but didn’t use to have it. This is very disappointing. To appreciate money, one needs to have grown up with it. How on earth can these upstarts handle the country?

I’m told on good authority that it’s chic to be a Democrat this year, so I suppose if I want the appropriate grants for my charter school that I’ll have to at least pretend. I suppose I could change my party affiliation, as Mikey did when it became expedient. Still, when Mikey runs, I’ll have to throw him my support and appear to be independent.

Must dash. Muffy is occupied with the gardener and requesting some tools I’ve never heard of before. Dash those modern conveniences.

Greetings friends. This is a time for reflection and resolution, and as it’s been a heck of a good year, financially speaking, I’ve resolved to start a new charter school, at government expense of course. As times are good, rabble are working more hours for less pay, and our school will emphasize that.

First of all, we will provide housing for teachers. This has proven to be a huge problem for many recruiting efforts in this city, and we’ve found a quick and easy way to resolve it. We will provide cots in the basements of the buildings we use, and our teachers can sleep there. Naturally we will deduct the cost of rent from their salaries. We will also provide meal tickets, and the teachers will be required to eat in our cafeteria. We will also provide uniforms and deduct that from the teacher salary.

As we are a profit-based organization, we will not offer high salaries. Thus, after deductions, it will be likely that the teachers will owe us a substantial sum. Naturally, we will provide ample opportunity for teachers to work off debt. These opportunities will come in the form of cafeteria and custodial jobs, and perhaps even work around the Worthington household. We may even send one or two teachers to clean the streets, thus contributing to our fair city.

School will run six days a week, and teachers will be on call when not working. Thus, parents of the rabble will be able to contact them at any time. However, should parents call when teachers are working in the cafeteria, phone time will be deducted from their wages.

We anticipate very little teacher turnover. This is because the rate of indebtedness should increase with time. Naturally we will have our employees sign waivers, so that upon death, debts may be passed to next of kin. As we are big-hearted, we will offer kin ample opportunity to work off the debt of their ancestors, as well as accruing new debt of their very own.

We are an equal-opportunity employer, and we will dispense with such nonsense as teacher certification. We will train the rabble in what to expect, and hopefully many of our graduates will come to teach at our school. This is the new paradigm, and remember you saw it here first.

Smellington G. Worthington III

This is the time of year when one needs to reflect on one’s blessings. There are, of course, the things one takes for granted, like the trust fund, the stock portfolio, and the real-estate holdings, but at this time, one needs to look inward, and reflect upon the things one has acquired.

It’s not easy to get good help nowadays, yet all the servants in our household are fairly reliable, and easily replaced if necessary. None of them clamor for health insurance, time off or raises, as they all remember what led to poor Raul’s deportation. Muffy was upset about that, but ever since she hired the new lawn boy, she’s seemed much better. Doubtless she’s learned that one servant is as good as another, and there’s a blessing right there.

Certainly we can be grateful for the private schools that keep our children far away from the rabble, and for Mikey, who arranged to devote the athletic fields on Randall’s Island to people of class. The urchins can and do get plenty of exercise on the street, and may as well get used to it. Certainly when Chatty becomes mayor, we’ll establish a voucher system, and hopefully it won’t provide near enough of a contribution to allow the rabble to attend anything but the cheapest of private schools, if that much.

Finally, I’m grateful to live in a country where the lower classes are finally being made to work more for less money. As the great Ronald Reagan said, the higher classes should be monied, and the lower classes need to wait for it to trickle down to them. So, in summary, they need to have faith, and we need to have capital. It’s as simple as that.

A happy holiday to all, and you don’t have to let the servants bully you into giving them days off. Remember, you can dismiss them whenever you like. Be thankful for that.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Recently Muffy and I have been examining the weblogs that teachers write. We became very interested when we started reading about “Lead Teachers.” Now Muffy and I occasionally watch “Iron Chef,” as Cook now and then becomes tiresome. We’ll often have Cook watch the Tivo and duplicate the recipes.

In any case, there seems to be some sort of hoopla over becoming an “Iron Chef.” However, who would want to be a “Lead Teacher?” I could see if it were named after a precious metal. Who wouldn’t want to be a “Platinum Teacher” or even a “Gold Teacher?” But “Lead Teacher?” Sounds like a dog’s dinner to me.

And therein is the problem with the school system today. If we’d adjust the names, perhaps we could convince the teachers that this is some sort of honor. This would, perhaps, prevent them from asking for so much money, and would open up just so much more for investment purposes. You may not realize this, but “Lead Teachers” actually get paid more money than regular teachers. And who can blame the plebs for taking the money, after having this degrading moniker hung around their necks?

I say, Mikey, get with the program old chap! Let’s have “Platinum Teachers” and “Gold Teachers.” Let’s freely dispense free prestige, and halt the process of dispensing valuable taxpayer dollars. These dollars could be used for tax breaks for investors and real-estate speculation. Let’s not throw them away on salaries for the lower classes!

Smellington G. Worthington III

Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of brouhaha over James Liebman. Now let me state uncategorically that Jimmy is a fine man, just bully, and he’s done a lot to make sure New York City gets just what he deserves. When that preposterous survey showed the number one concern of parents was class size, he was able to add several other categories and show that what they said was not actually what they wanted.

Now the other day, a bunch of rabble wanted to give him a petition of some sort, claiming to have given birth to some local urchins. Now anyone can have children, even the lower classes, so what’s so special about that? In any case, Jimmy had just spent three hours answering impertinent questions from several ill-mannered politicians. Naturally, he was exhausted and wanted to retire to his club. So why on earth couldn’t the rabble have saved their petitions for a more convenient occasion?

What’s a few extra months, or years, when you’ve got a plan? You know none of these rabble have portfolios, so they’re patently incapable of thinking long term. I suggest they publicly apologize to Jimmy and declare their allegiance to Mikey and Joel, who’ve clearly done everything possible to minimize the bad publicity these awful schools tend to generate.

For the love of Smedley, wake up America, and smell the caviar!

Smellington G. Worthington III

Billionaires for Educational Reform have decided to endorse privatization of all schools. For goodness sake, public schools are a drain on the economy. How on earth are we supposed to profit when our taxes simply pay salaries and educate little urchins?

Now think about this; if we were to privatize, we could make all schools for profit enterprises . That means more money for me, for Muffy, and for Mikey Bloomberg, who may become a philanthropist (or a philatelist, I always mix up the two). Naturally, since we’d be taking their money, we’d make sure to instill a sense of civic responsibility in the little buggers.

Let me give you an example. Yesterday, Muffy and I were getting massages in the day room. One of the masseuses, a fetching young thing, had the impertinence to ask how much one of the wall-hangings cost. I mean, how gauche! Students who passed through our schools wouldn’t ask such questions, or indeed any questions. They’d learn to speak when they are spoken to, an admirable quality in the lower classes.

I’m encouraged by the public response to this little venture, and I certainly hope our new visitors will continue to support us as we gradually lay our our vision for the future.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Well, Smelly, that GBN News chap is at it again, savaging our boy Mikey and his lawyer friend Klein. One can well imagine I was in a bit of a snit over that one, all right. But then I got to thinking. Chatty, old boy, I said to myself, we need that fellow to serve us instead! He’s said it himself, for a mere $150,000 a year, he’ll come over to our side. Why, he’s even auditioned for the part, did one fine article among all the drivel on that infernal Parent Blog.

Imagine, Smelly, what that boy could do for us. Think of what he could write about that Haimson woman, for instance. “Class Size Matters” indeed! Class size does matter, of course. The more of those public school urchins we can put in a class, the better, I say. Teach a hundred of them in a class and look at the money you save on teachers. Why do you think Mikey got Joel to close all those schools? Now that’s the sort of school reform only a billionaire can come up with! And I’ll bet that GBN bloke could even get the masses to think it’s for their own good.

Not that any of our children will have to endure classes like that, not in our private schools with 14 or less in a class. But our kids need a real education, after all, since they will be the ones inheriting our billions some day, and running the world. All those public school kids need to learn is to do our bidding and not to question; where will we be if they ever learn to think for themselves, anyhow?

Yes, Smelly, we need that GBN chap. I might even make him Press Secretary for my campaign. Fellow with that sort of talent, he could even get people to think I’m just like a commoner. As long as I don’t have to take the subway. Ugh, I don’t know how Mikey does it. Must have a shower in that SUV that picks him up at the station.

So think about it, Smelly. $150,000, I drop that much at lunch. Not much of an investment, but it could be just the ticket for our cause.

Cheerio!
Chatsworth Runforth III