I say, it appears Mikey and Joel have employed a Goldman Sachs hypnotherapist for a piddling 374K per annum, and the rabble is already hooting about it.  There’s some uncouth individual by the name of “Reality Based Educator” whining simply because he was hired by another Goldman Sachs alum.

That’s the way the world works, old chap.  It’s all about connections.  If you went to Yale, of course you’ll look for similar-minded individuals.  Why are such individuals even permitted to comment on the internet?  We’ll see about this nonsense.

I say Bravo, Mikey, for allowing the grand tradition of the old boys network to flourish in our fair municipality!  May you rule for many decades to come!

Smellington G. Worthington III

I say, the Worthington household is all abuzz with the fabulous work of the groundbreaking Washington DC Chancellor.  Michelle Rhee is most certainly a model for Mikey and Joel.

No seniority nonsense for her.  Dump hundreds of teachers on the street, and leave them there.  This is what needs to happen to the bootless and unhorsed when they get uppity.  Now all we need is for Mikey and Joel to get on the bandwagon.  In three days they’ll have another four years, and I see no reason why we couldn’t get a fourth term.

It’s about time the great unwashed learn that we do what we want, when we want, and how we want.  Thanks to our valiant Mayor for demonstrating this, and don’t forget the great work of this Rhee woman.

She’s a model for us all.

I must say that Smelly and I are absolutely enthralled with the Obama administration, and his splendiferous education secretary Arne Duncan. Though I must say I had my doubts when Obama was first elected – I mean look at his wife! – and then when his cabinet secretary was first named I really wasn’t sure.

I mean the fellow is rather gawky and from Chicago no less. And his name –Duncan Doughnuts was all I could think of. But he has quickly proved himself to be one of us, with brilliant ideas like forcing more charter schools on the system, by bribing states with taxpayer money. Though Smelly says its supposed to be called stimulus funds, that seems a bit racy to me.

After all, if we don’t force states to accept more charter schools, how are our children and our friends’ children going to spend their time between college and Wall Street?

I mean, look at Smelly’s hedge fund buddies, Julian Robertson and Michael Steinhardt. Both their children have started their own charter schools – in Brooklyn, no less. . Our nephew Porter is starting his own charter school this fall, after only one year with TFA, and our daughter Buffy plans to start her own charter as soon as she graduates from Penn.

She wants to start one in Harlem, to cut down on her commuting time from the Upper East Side, or perhaps downtown, if she chooses to slum it in the Village.

Luckily, Joel has promised us that wherever Buffy decides, she will be provided with quality real estate in an existing public school so that she doesn’t have to dip into her trust fund to rent space. He’s promised to provide free food, transportation, and anything else she needs for her school, and help recruit students as well, so that there will be plenty left over to feed her Manolo Blahnik habit.

But I’m a little worried that this woman, Eva Muskowitz (is that her name?) will have taken all the good spaces by that time. I must speak to Joel about that soon.

The other problem is that all the good school names are being used up! Harlem Success Academy, Harlem Children’s Zone, Harlem Democracy Prep, Harlem Village Academy, Harlem Day; what names will be left for Buffy’s school? It’s really a puzzle. Harlem Worthington Academy?

Muffy Worthington

I say, when I read things like this on the internets, they go right up my nose.  What sort of bounder publishes embarrassing photos of Mikey like that one?  Not only that, but this chap is outright disrespectful not only to Mikey, but to the entire concept of mayoral control.

I say, hear hear to Mikey for refusing to compromise in any way.  The only way to get the rabble in line is to control their education from the beginning, without any of this flapadoodle from the bootless and unhorsed.  Oh, the parents have to have their say.  I say, what on earth do these parents know?  If they had any sense they’d be rich.

Now sure Mikey is new money, which means he’s not as well-versed in the stuff as those of us who’ve always had it, but honestly, can you really compare Mikey, the richest chap in the city (hear hear!) to the rabble?  I say, hip, hip hooray, and for he’s a jolly good fellow!  Those who think otherwise are not worthy to touch the hem of his garment.

Smellington G. Worthington III

The execrable NY Senate has failed to renew mayoral control.  However, those of us in position to do something about it firmly support Mikey in his efforts to spearhead reform.  It’s well known that important initiatives like the Smellington Academy simply could not move forward without the leadership of people like Mikey and Joel.

That’s why I’m so heartened by this article in today’s Times, suggesting that it would be business as usual whether or not the law was continued.  There’s no sense at all in letting the rabble get involved in schools.  Schools are big money, and only people with money know what to do with it.

So don’t panic, New York.  No-bid contracts are here to stay.  Joel is firmly at the helm, and there’s no way he’s going to allow the bootless and unhorsed to interfere with the important business of making profits.  Thank goodness Mikey isn’t hampered by things like votes or laws.

Everything will be the same, so please don’t panic.

Smellington G. Worthington III

I say, these internets are a great source of inspiration.  Why just today I was perusing the Gotham Schools blog thingie, and I found a parent willing to speak up against the involvement of parents.  The chap called himself “Dissenter,” and was willing to give up the popular notion that anyone but the moneyed class should take part in the education of the urchins that blight our fair city.

Now if only more rabble would share that view, we’d be able to get even more of the cheap labor our city needs.  I was thrilled, truth be told, and I’m sharing my response below in its entirety:

I agree with this Dissenter chap. Why on earth should the bootless and unhorsed have any say whatsoever in the education of their children? Rabble need to be guided with a firm hand, and Mikey Bloomberg is just the man to do it, by Jove.

I also agree it’s union chicanery, and this Randi Weingarten woman is only pretending to support Mikey, while in secret she’s plotting to ask for more money for those awful teachers, who are always blathering on about one thing or another. Frankly, they make me ill with their demands of lower class sizes, and time off for this and that.

Fire them all, I say, and give them something to really complain about. And as for the rabble, we’ll train them to do what needs to be done. No more of this namby-pamby mollycoddling.

Smellington G. Worthington III

There’s a new article over at the excellent publication, The New York Daily News.  I don’t often peruse this particular publication, as it pertains primarly to pictorial postulations, but this just pops with peppery punch.

One of Mikey’s new principals explains how he saved a dying school.  It’s admirable.  All he did was turn out the malcontents and rabble-rousers, and then pack the halls with enthusiastic newcomers.  By stocking the new school with enthusiastic fresh rabble, things improved tremendously.  Apparently there are several other schools in this building, and Lord knows what goes on in them, but the fact that this one works is good enough for me.

And what to do with those that were turned out?  We’ll gladly take them into the new Smellington Academy, where we guarantee excellent results.  In fact, any teacher who doesn’t pass 100% of our students will be dismissed forthwith.  What more could one ask?

Well, must dash.  Muffy and the poolboy appear to be in a position from which they’re curiously unable to extricate themselves.  Remarkable how much time those two spend repairing that walk-in closet.  Must get a servant on it right away.

Smellington G. Worthington III

I say, what’s all the who-ha about the 18 million Michael Bloomberg has spent on buying his third term as mayor? I say, if he wants to rummage through his Queen Anne sofa for enough pocket change to run for mayor, who are we to complain?

Frankly, I think the great unwashed should be bursting with gratitude towards Mikey. Lord knows that neither Smelly nor I intend to work, so who would be mayor if he decided not to take his rightful third term? Something ghastly might happen, such as a mere millionaire getting the nod. Or, Trump forbid, a commoner. Think of what would happen then! Instead of a sales tax, we might see a progressive tax that socks fellows like me. I might have to cut the staff at the mansion down to 8 servants, thus increasing the unemployment rate!

No, what we need is an independent mayor, by which I mean independently wealthy. Clearly the way to go, old chaps. Bloomy isn’t beholden to all those awful special interest groups that want to help feed people who choose to live on the streets, or who want children to get an actual education rather than train them for the long hours we’ll need them to work if we’re ever to get the yacht running properly.

So, my fellow billionaires, while I know it hurts you to contribute to a cause that won’t put a plaque on a building named after you, I nevertheless urge you to search for that pocket change and help Mikey win his third term. It’s time for selfless sacrifice to help our fellow billionaires.

I say, there’s been a bit of an uproar about people of large proportions lately.  This, of course, is outrageous.  Many of the large set, as we say, are treated poorly, until people realize how much money we have.  In fact, some punters are outraged that airlines are now charging them for two seats if they wish to fly.  One can complain, write letters, or protest if one wishes, but there’s always a better way.

Why don’t those who object to this rule simply get first class reservations?  The seats up front can easily accomodate the Smellington posterior, and ought to work well for yours as well.  There’s no need to run out and charter a private aircraft, though that’s a good option for those who don’t actually own a Learjet.

When I come across stories like these, I understand why the billionaire mentality is needed to reform schooling for the bootless and unhorsed.  We billionaires are natural problem solvers, and those of us with the wherewithal to have kept a few billion in reserve can always find ways to help.  That’s why you’ll always find me contributing toward helping the plebians fulfill their dismal destinies to serve as they were meant to.

I don’t ask for thanks.  All I wish for is a tidy little profit for my innovations and efforts.

Smellington G. Worthington

I say, I’ve been reading quite a bit about this Meryl Tisch, who’s been selected to head the NY State Board of Regents.  Certainly she’s a PLU, so I say, give the gal a go.  She strongly supports Mikey, even though she’s cast a disparaging word every now and again.  But you have to toss the plebs a bone now and then if you’re going to make them think you care about their dismal little lives.

But what is all this brouhaha about her association with Newport?  Muffy and I have summered at Newport many times, and it’s smashing, just smashing.  There is some nonsense that Newport is catering to minorities, and I certainly understand why people would find that objectionable, but there’s nothing farther from the truth.  I mean, sure the help is the help, but in the clubs there’s truly nothing but PLUs everywhere.

Billionaires for Educational Reform heartily endorses Ms. Tisch, and we cast a hearty “Bravo!” in her general direction.  Naturally we urge you to do the same.

Smellington G. Worthington III