What’s in a Name?

I must say that Smelly and I are absolutely enthralled with the Obama administration, and his splendiferous education secretary Arne Duncan. Though I must say I had my doubts when Obama was first elected – I mean look at his wife! – and then when his cabinet secretary was first named I really wasn’t sure.

I mean the fellow is rather gawky and from Chicago no less. And his name –Duncan Doughnuts was all I could think of. But he has quickly proved himself to be one of us, with brilliant ideas like forcing more charter schools on the system, by bribing states with taxpayer money. Though Smelly says its supposed to be called stimulus funds, that seems a bit racy to me.

After all, if we don’t force states to accept more charter schools, how are our children and our friends’ children going to spend their time between college and Wall Street?

I mean, look at Smelly’s hedge fund buddies, Julian Robertson and Michael Steinhardt. Both their children have started their own charter schools – in Brooklyn, no less. . Our nephew Porter is starting his own charter school this fall, after only one year with TFA, and our daughter Buffy plans to start her own charter as soon as she graduates from Penn.

She wants to start one in Harlem, to cut down on her commuting time from the Upper East Side, or perhaps downtown, if she chooses to slum it in the Village.

Luckily, Joel has promised us that wherever Buffy decides, she will be provided with quality real estate in an existing public school so that she doesn’t have to dip into her trust fund to rent space. He’s promised to provide free food, transportation, and anything else she needs for her school, and help recruit students as well, so that there will be plenty left over to feed her Manolo Blahnik habit.

But I’m a little worried that this woman, Eva Muskowitz (is that her name?) will have taken all the good spaces by that time. I must speak to Joel about that soon.

The other problem is that all the good school names are being used up! Harlem Success Academy, Harlem Children’s Zone, Harlem Democracy Prep, Harlem Village Academy, Harlem Day; what names will be left for Buffy’s school? It’s really a puzzle. Harlem Worthington Academy?

Muffy Worthington

What Rot

I say, when I read things like this on the internets, they go right up my nose.  What sort of bounder publishes embarrassing photos of Mikey like that one?  Not only that, but this chap is outright disrespectful not only to Mikey, but to the entire concept of mayoral control.

I say, hear hear to Mikey for refusing to compromise in any way.  The only way to get the rabble in line is to control their education from the beginning, without any of this flapadoodle from the bootless and unhorsed.  Oh, the parents have to have their say.  I say, what on earth do these parents know?  If they had any sense they’d be rich.

Now sure Mikey is new money, which means he’s not as well-versed in the stuff as those of us who’ve always had it, but honestly, can you really compare Mikey, the richest chap in the city (hear hear!) to the rabble?  I say, hip, hip hooray, and for he’s a jolly good fellow!  Those who think otherwise are not worthy to touch the hem of his garment.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Laws Are for the Little People

The execrable NY Senate has failed to renew mayoral control.  However, those of us in position to do something about it firmly support Mikey in his efforts to spearhead reform.  It’s well known that important initiatives like the Smellington Academy simply could not move forward without the leadership of people like Mikey and Joel.

That’s why I’m so heartened by this article in today’s Times, suggesting that it would be business as usual whether or not the law was continued.  There’s no sense at all in letting the rabble get involved in schools.  Schools are big money, and only people with money know what to do with it.

So don’t panic, New York.  No-bid contracts are here to stay.  Joel is firmly at the helm, and there’s no way he’s going to allow the bootless and unhorsed to interfere with the important business of making profits.  Thank goodness Mikey isn’t hampered by things like votes or laws.

Everything will be the same, so please don’t panic.

Smellington G. Worthington III

A Voice of Reason

I say, these internets are a great source of inspiration.  Why just today I was perusing the Gotham Schools blog thingie, and I found a parent willing to speak up against the involvement of parents.  The chap called himself “Dissenter,” and was willing to give up the popular notion that anyone but the moneyed class should take part in the education of the urchins that blight our fair city.

Now if only more rabble would share that view, we’d be able to get even more of the cheap labor our city needs.  I was thrilled, truth be told, and I’m sharing my response below in its entirety:

I agree with this Dissenter chap. Why on earth should the bootless and unhorsed have any say whatsoever in the education of their children? Rabble need to be guided with a firm hand, and Mikey Bloomberg is just the man to do it, by Jove.

I also agree it’s union chicanery, and this Randi Weingarten woman is only pretending to support Mikey, while in secret she’s plotting to ask for more money for those awful teachers, who are always blathering on about one thing or another. Frankly, they make me ill with their demands of lower class sizes, and time off for this and that.

Fire them all, I say, and give them something to really complain about. And as for the rabble, we’ll train them to do what needs to be done. No more of this namby-pamby mollycoddling.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Excellent

There’s a new article over at the excellent publication, The New York Daily News.  I don’t often peruse this particular publication, as it pertains primarly to pictorial postulations, but this just pops with peppery punch.

One of Mikey’s new principals explains how he saved a dying school.  It’s admirable.  All he did was turn out the malcontents and rabble-rousers, and then pack the halls with enthusiastic newcomers.  By stocking the new school with enthusiastic fresh rabble, things improved tremendously.  Apparently there are several other schools in this building, and Lord knows what goes on in them, but the fact that this one works is good enough for me.

And what to do with those that were turned out?  We’ll gladly take them into the new Smellington Academy, where we guarantee excellent results.  In fact, any teacher who doesn’t pass 100% of our students will be dismissed forthwith.  What more could one ask?

Well, must dash.  Muffy and the poolboy appear to be in a position from which they’re curiously unable to extricate themselves.  Remarkable how much time those two spend repairing that walk-in closet.  Must get a servant on it right away.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Pocket Change

I say, what’s all the who-ha about the 18 million Michael Bloomberg has spent on buying his third term as mayor? I say, if he wants to rummage through his Queen Anne sofa for enough pocket change to run for mayor, who are we to complain?

Frankly, I think the great unwashed should be bursting with gratitude towards Mikey. Lord knows that neither Smelly nor I intend to work, so who would be mayor if he decided not to take his rightful third term? Something ghastly might happen, such as a mere millionaire getting the nod. Or, Trump forbid, a commoner. Think of what would happen then! Instead of a sales tax, we might see a progressive tax that socks fellows like me. I might have to cut the staff at the mansion down to 8 servants, thus increasing the unemployment rate!

No, what we need is an independent mayor, by which I mean independently wealthy. Clearly the way to go, old chaps. Bloomy isn’t beholden to all those awful special interest groups that want to help feed people who choose to live on the streets, or who want children to get an actual education rather than train them for the long hours we’ll need them to work if we’re ever to get the yacht running properly.

So, my fellow billionaires, while I know it hurts you to contribute to a cause that won’t put a plaque on a building named after you, I nevertheless urge you to search for that pocket change and help Mikey win his third term. It’s time for selfless sacrifice to help our fellow billionaires.

A Large Error

I say, there’s been a bit of an uproar about people of large proportions lately.  This, of course, is outrageous.  Many of the large set, as we say, are treated poorly, until people realize how much money we have.  In fact, some punters are outraged that airlines are now charging them for two seats if they wish to fly.  One can complain, write letters, or protest if one wishes, but there’s always a better way.

Why don’t those who object to this rule simply get first class reservations?  The seats up front can easily accomodate the Smellington posterior, and ought to work well for yours as well.  There’s no need to run out and charter a private aircraft, though that’s a good option for those who don’t actually own a Learjet.

When I come across stories like these, I understand why the billionaire mentality is needed to reform schooling for the bootless and unhorsed.  We billionaires are natural problem solvers, and those of us with the wherewithal to have kept a few billion in reserve can always find ways to help.  That’s why you’ll always find me contributing toward helping the plebians fulfill their dismal destinies to serve as they were meant to.

I don’t ask for thanks.  All I wish for is a tidy little profit for my innovations and efforts.

Smellington G. Worthington

For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow

I say, I’ve been reading quite a bit about this Meryl Tisch, who’s been selected to head the NY State Board of Regents.  Certainly she’s a PLU, so I say, give the gal a go.  She strongly supports Mikey, even though she’s cast a disparaging word every now and again.  But you have to toss the plebs a bone now and then if you’re going to make them think you care about their dismal little lives.

But what is all this brouhaha about her association with Newport?  Muffy and I have summered at Newport many times, and it’s smashing, just smashing.  There is some nonsense that Newport is catering to minorities, and I certainly understand why people would find that objectionable, but there’s nothing farther from the truth.  I mean, sure the help is the help, but in the clubs there’s truly nothing but PLUs everywhere.

Billionaires for Educational Reform heartily endorses Ms. Tisch, and we cast a hearty “Bravo!” in her general direction.  Naturally we urge you to do the same.

Smellington G. Worthington III

All Atwitter

That’s what I am when I see that young man Barack Obama on the television talking about school reform.  He’ll get charter schools into every corner of this nation!  I see Smellington Academies in every nook and cranny of this country.  Recession be damned!

Do you know how much money there is in education, even in bad times?  Billions upon billions!  And till now, it’s been frittered away on urchins and malcontents who have no idea what it’s worth!  I say, Muffy can get another yacht, and another yachtboy if need be.  Why should we be restricted to the one?

This Barack chap is just what the masses need, and the good times are just beginning!

Smellington G. Worthington III

Deep Disappointment

That’s what I feel as I stroll the streets today and see all the urchins lollygagging about.  There’s simply no reason for that, and once we open the Smellington Academy they’ll know what it means to get a job done.  And the riffraff on the street!  Why aren’t these people working, for the love of Smedley?

I say, I support Mikey and Joel with the best of them (and of course I wouldn’t consider association with anyone else) but you have to draw the line somewhere.  I mean, it’s bad enough they aren’t coming in weekends.  Let’s not compound this outrage.

I shall have a talk with Mikey and we’ll see the urchins trudge through the snow next time, as well they should.

Smellington G. Worthington III

An Unmitigated Outrage!

Hi, ho lovies! (Kiss, kiss). Just got back from a little nip-tuck vacation and I’ve heard the most shocking news! It seems that some of the teachers at my favorite, reform, I mean “charter” school have been attempting to – I can barely say the word – unionize!

What on earth can they be thinking? Don’t they realize what a poor example that would be for the children in their care?

When the Waltons first told us about their brilliant idea to create a Walmart preparatory school, we were absolutely delighted. Why, the idea is sheer brilliance! What a wonderful way to teach the children of the bootless and unhorsed to be cooperative and compliant. Uniforms, chanting, nodding on cue…why the potentials are endless.

Channel all of that so called “righteous indignation” into something productive and create an endless stream of future low-wage workers at the same time. Finally give them something to be proud of.

Needless to say, our checkbooks were immediately out to support such a worthy cause. And now, some uppity teachers want to undermine all that. Just imagine what the children will learn if they see their teachers organizing. It’s only a matter of time before they’ll be asking for ridiculous frivolities like lunch and recess and… Can someone please get me a Vicodin?

Anyhoo, I blame all of this union nonsense on that Obacka fellow. I knew that when he was elected the riff raff would start to get funny ideas in their heads about ‘quality of life’ and all of that other nonsense. That’s what happens when you don’t use the Supreme Court to elect the president.

The real question, though, is how on earth are these stories reaching the newspapers? Someone needs to get that Jay Mathews on the phone and tell him to write another opinion piece. Personally, I think he’s slacking. Someone needs to remind him who is paying his salary. Toodles!

Missy Hawthorne VonBlueblood

The Billionaire’s Party!

I say! The most frightful thing has happened. It’s discrimination, I tell you. Old Bloomy (Mayor Bloomberg to those of you who pay taxes) is being discriminated against because he’s rich! Absolutely! You see, first, the Republicans of all people refused to allow Bloomy to run on their beastly ticket. And then the Democrats decided they didn’t want him either! Now, even the Independence Party is shunning the man.

I remember a few years back when one of the horse groomers was being teased by the scullery maids because of his rather pronounced nose. It was dreadful! The teased him day and night, poor chap. It made my blood boil! Finally I couldn’t take it anymore so I had the dogs set on him and that was the end of it. I can’t stand watching people suffer!

Now it’s happening to Old Bloomy. Of course, he is new money, and I have no idea why he wants a job in the first place, but I must stick up for the poor old buster. So we’ve decided to take action, by Jove! Muffy, Smelly and I are getting together to form the Billionaire’s Party. We won’t put up with any discrimination in this party, I can tell you that! In the BP, if you have a billion dollars, you’re treated just the same as everyone else.

Old Buffy and Billy-O (Warren and Gates for the unwashed) will be charter members of the BP. You see, they care about education of the masses and what-not, just like Old Bloomy. They believe that every child has the right to be taught by an underpaid, inexperienced teacher, and I couldn’t agree more. We must make sure the masses can read and write, otherwise, who will sign for our packages?

So here’s to the Billionaire’s Party! Let’s end this senseless discrimination against the filthy rich, and at the same time make sure every public school child has the 8^th grade education he or she deserves! It’s the least we can do!

Yours,

Augustus “Gussie” Smith-Smythe

That Is So Last Season

Smelly just pointed me to this article on the Gotham Schools page.  Honestly, I can’t believe that people are calling themselves Republicans anymore.  It’s well-known the current practice is to refer to one’s self as a “Democrat” when supporting KIPP.  Whenever anyone asks Smelly or I about our political associations, we always say, “We’re Democrats.”

Now of course we don’t vote for Democrats, except for Mikey, and in his defense, last time he ran on the Republican line.  I believe he’s going to do so again this time.  So I urge you, in the meaning of good taste, to call yourself a Democrat as well.  People will take you more seriously.

Unfortunately I must dash, as Raul is getting impatient.  It takes a lot of work to cultivate a pool boy who will do the job well, I’m afraid.

Muffy Worthington

Bravo, Chaps

I say, the folks at Gotham Schools are providing an excellent forum for those who’d speak reason.  Look here, and here, for some excellent defenses of the great work Mikey and Joel are doing.

Hip, hip, hooray to those who stand up for Mikey and Joel under these trying circumstances. It takes some gumption to stand up to the rabble and say what ho, even though you voted for term limits, we still need a billionaire to run things. And to those Gloomy Guses who say, “It hasn’t gotten any better” under Mikey and Joel, I say, better for whom?

As ably pointed out in those comments, were there mayoral control, Rudy Crew may have been able to enact some of the changes he wished. It’s neither here nor there that Mikey would have dismissed him posthaste before allowing him to squander funds on such nonsense. And it’s also important to note that, as pointed out above, it makes no difference whatsoever whether or not the rabble gets good test scores. The important thing is to involve as many of them as possible in the process, so as to keep the little urchins occupied and off the streets.

I for one have had it up to here with hearing the chancellor needs to protect the interests of the students. What rot. The chancellor must protect our interests , not the whims of the bootless and unhorsed. I daresay he’s doing a damn good job of it. Thanks to the good people who comment at Gotham Schools for providing voices of reason against unruly rabble who insist on raising needless objections.

Smellington G. Worthington III

A Smashing Invite!

What ho! What ho! What ho! Augustus “Gussie” Smith-Smythe here. A rousing three cheers to my ancient chum Smellington for his smashing welcome. Old Smelly has been telling me that there are some members of the working class who frequent this site, and what’s worse, they seem to think they actually have a say in how things should be done. And by gosh, old Smelly was absolutely right! I haven’t seen so much rabble in one place since I asked my limo driver to lower the tinted windows in the Bentley in broad daylight.

Anyhoo, it seems that the proletariat is clamoring for crumbs from the so-called stimulus bill. Can you imagine getting all excited over a paltry sum like 1.6 billion dollars? It seems that those pesky educational sorts are all up in arms over it. If you give it to the riff raff who run the schools, they’ll simply toss it away on frivolous things like books and–I hate to soil my lips with the word–salaries. One wonders what they are thinking.

If you want real stimulus, the money should go to well-heeled chaps like Smelly and myself. I could always do with another mansion or two, don’t you know. Think of all the unskilled labor we could hire at minimum wage! Instead of being useless drains on society, they could start paying taxes. Lord knows someone has to.

As an aside to Smelly, what say we initiate a cover charge to post replies? Nothing extravagant–let’s say, $500,000 a comment just to be sporting? It would keep out the unhorsed, and we could use the proceeds to fund some charity event or other where we could drink until we puke on our shoes.

Exciting News

Have invited a tennis buddy of ours, Augustus Smith-Smythe, to lend a voice to the burgeoning billionaire lobby here at BER. As you all know, the mainstream media is replete with ne’er do wells and reprobates who care nothing for pressing issues like tax cuts for PLUs.

Personally, I’m sick to death of seeing the bootless and unhorsed trotted out as worth listening to, and we need a voice the caliber of Smith-Smythe’s to provide much needed fairness.

Well, on with it, chaps. Must dash. Muffy and the pool boy seem to be having a bit of bother extricating themselves from under the sink in the pool room.

Smellington G. Worthington III

A Devil of a Time

I say, that’s what I had trying to find this excellent piece of writing by one Mike Petrelli.  I was led there by this “Eduwonkette” gal, whom I assume to be a tool of the bootless and unhorsed.  In any case, Mr. Petrelli makes the smashing argument that teachers are getting health insurance on the cheap and thus don’t value it at all.  I couldn’t agree more.

So what does a teacher care about health?  A teacher might go out and eat until he or she feels like stopping, a privilege that rightly belongs to PLU.  That’s why teachers ought not to be given money, as plebs never know how to invest it properly and consequently fritter it away on things like food.  Thus, those of us who’ve invested in health-related companies face ever-decreasing profit margins.  Teachers at the Smellington Academy will be compensated not in currency, but in scrip, redeemable at the company store (which Muffy has christened “The Smellington Boutique”–I’d have her comment but she’s currently instructing that blasted poolboy in the finer points of managing the fluids).

I say, Bravo Old Chap!, to Mr. Petrelli, and a round of boos to that awful Eduwonkette, who clearly hasn’t thought the matter through.

A Smashing Notion

Gad, it’s been so long since I’ve read something quite so inspirational as this piece in the National Review.   Let’s not have this upstart new president tossing away precious tax dollars on education.   It’s quite reasonable to determine that spending on the bootless and unhorsed, like public school students, and public school teachers, is just appeasing the rabble.  Where’s the upside in that?

As I’ve pointed out repeatedly, having no experience, the great unwashed has no notion what to do with capital, and will fritter it away rather than investing it properly.  After all, they lack things like food and housing, and tend to toss away decent cash on things as short-sighted as rent.  I ask you, how can you entrust money with people who’d use it in such a pointless fashion?

When you use money in the private sector, you’ve pretty much got a guarantee on your investment.  Sure, the doubting Thomases wil chant, they may lose money.  But in America today, when rich people lose money, the government comes to our aid, placing all its resources at our disposal.  Will they do such a thing for bottom-feeders who choose to spend their money on absurd non-starters like rent?  Certainly not.

Furthermore, the authors stress the importance of 12-month education.  Certainly these little urchins ought not to have time off, as we’re training them for a lifetime of labor.  Some academies now offer six days of education, and it’s time we made it seven.  Let’s get back to the good old days, when we told them, “If you don’t report Sunday, don’t bother showing up Monday.”

Billionaires for Education Reform say “Bully” to these forward thinkers.

I’m Appalled

I’ve been perusing the internets of late, and I’ve come across this absolutely ghastly NYC Public School Parents blog.  They are upset, evidently, that Joel pays his people so well.  What are these people, communists?  Then, when I examine the fine print, it turns out they’re earning a mere 150-180 thousand per year.  Gad, the indignity.

I say, you can’t even buy a house for 180 thousand nowadays.  Where do you people get off calling that a high salary?

Heavens to Betsy, these are the sort of people who have to settle for simple first-class reservations when it would be more efficacious to charter a private aircraft, settling for American caviar rather than Beluga, and generally making a muck of it.

Why aren’t these people working?  Too much leisure time for the bootless and unhorsed.  When the Smellington Academies go national, we’ll put them in their place, and we won’t stop at 6 days a week, like those noncomittal KIPP schools.  Weak as water, that’s what they are.

Caroline is People Like Us

I say, there’s been a lot of brouhaha over Caroline, and let me be the first to point out that she’s strictly PLU.  Meanwhile, every pleb with a typewriter is out to dash her hopes.  Now the Kennedys have been in it long enough to be considered not quite old money, but old enough money to get the job done.  So let’s stop these preposterous protests from the New York Times, which seems to have considerably less capital than Caroline.

She’s a grand old girl, doing her bit for Mikey, and helping make the city school system what it is today,  Why, without the likes of Caroline, the Smellington Academy would be a mere pipe dream.  But thanks to Mikey and Joel, and now Caroline, we’ll have it up and running in a jiffy.  Gadzooks, what a bunch of whiners out there on the internets!

Now that Mikey has stood up to let the bootless and unhorsed know their laughable elections are of no consequence. we can be sure that he’ll be there protecting our interests for the forseeable future.  Naturally, I regret Chatsworth will not be taking over, but the truth is old Chatty has been overindulging the alcohol of late, and may not have been in the best position to protect our interests.

Remember, Caroline is our girl, and when she’s in the Senate she’ll remember on which side her bread is buttered.

Smellington G. Worthington III