Bravo, Joel!

I say, it’s bold of Joel to write this piece, pointing out how billionaires have managed to influence the politicians to finally represent their point of view in education. For too long, it’s been, “Oh, how can we help the rabble?” and “Oh, we aren’t spending enough on the bootless and unhorsed.” Now, finally, we’re seeing a return to traditional values, favoring the rich, and showing the little urchins how to best serve our needs.

Joel Klein knows that good old 19th century values are what America needs today. That’s why he’s willing to stand up against wasteful pensions and benefits. Do health benefits make better teachers? Does a pension make a better teacher? Of course not! Nonetheless, low salaries certainly save dollars that can go to tax cuts for important people like me, Muffy, Michael Bloomberg and Eli Broad.

We have made great progress in our quest. I thank you, my loyal readers, and pledge to bring a chain of Smellington charter schools that will embody all of Joel’s values. And Rupie’s job offer has certainly sustained those values! Bravo to Rupie too!

Bravo, Mr. Governor

I say, this Andrew Cuomo is a smashing chap, just smashing. When I read a plan like this one, I’m heartened to see that all that money we gave him is finally paying off. It appears we’re dispensing with that nonsensical plan that the Regents cooked up with that odious union, and finally coming up with something we can manipulate any way we please.

This way, we can send teachers to classes where we know no progress will be made, and in a mere two years we can get them off the payroll. This will free up job opportunities for those whom we feel actually merit them. It could be in-laws, cousins, or reliable contributors to political campaigns. After all since we really represent 1% of the population, it’s really well-advised to shore up our numbers whenever possible.

Let’s have a hip-hip hooray for noble Andrew Cuomo! Every man has his price, and I for one shall sleep sounder knowing he’s bought and paid for. And for those teachers who are always complaining, there will always be dignified non-union jobs at the Smellington Academy for those who know how to do what they’re told. Sure, they won’t pay as well, but you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you’re training the little urchins for their own jobs that won’t pay well. Thank goodness that Obama fellow didn’t go through with his threat to enable that Employee Free Choice Act, promoting those nasty Bolshevik trade unions!

It’s morning in America again!

For the Love of Smedley

A Facebook friend recently sent me this link, about how the wealthy have acquired more capital as of late. This would not be so shocking if it were not portrayed as a bad thing. I tire of going back to basic principles, but it’s well-known that persons of no account have no idea how to handle capital. They fritter it away on food, rent, and other such trifles when its true magic is investment. If they aren’t going to make it grow, why should they have it at all?

Don’t their very own tax dollars finance food stamps? Aren’t there soup kitchens and shelters? Why don’t they simply make use of those facilities, buy the Wall Street Journal, and figure out the best ways to enrich whatever pittance they may come across? That’s what this country is all about, by George.

Pulling one’s self up by one’s bootstraps is, of course, troublesome for the bootless and unhorsed. This notwithstanding, it’s their duty to do so. Let it be a challenge to them, say I.  This is capitalism, and it’s what my father sweated for when meeting his lawyers to determine how best to dispense our trust funds and portfolios. If all parents went to this trouble, there’d be less foul-smelling rabble, and the world would be a better place.

Must dash. Muffy seems to have locked herself into a closet with the poolboy, and I must dispatch a servant to open it with all due haste.

An Alarming Trend

I say, when the unwashed hordes descend on the capital demanding this and that, it’s disturbing. For the love of Smedley, can’t those despicable Wisconsin residents stick to their cheese and leave the rest of us alone? Apparently they cannot. They have to have their pensions, and their medical benefits, and what they call their “right” to negotiate working conditions. Working conditions should rightfully be dictated by employers, and thank goodness this bold governor is standing up to them.

Nonetheless, should these persons of no account prevail, the results will prove highly unprofitable. In fact, such a move could provoke government to reverse the sensible tax breaks we’ve received on not only a national level, but a local level as well. We must stop this at any cost. Fortunately there are trends here in my beloved New York that could be a model for the rest of the country. Joel is doing a smashing job at Education Reform Now, with a commercial suggesting we get rid of overpaid teachers. Should this quest succeed, we could replace teachers every few years, save millions, and pass the savings onto the booted and horsed in the form of tax breaks.

This is a battle we must win, and I certainly hope the Wisconsin governor musters the intestinal fortitude to gas the rabble in and around the statehouse. We’ve been very successful in persuading the American public the best way for their advancement is worsening working conditions for those doing better than they are. In fact, no civilization I know of has managed to get such a message out before, and this is an opportunity we must not squander. As long as the peasants are out there fighting for tax cuts for the moneyed classes, we can look ever upward.

But this rabble and hoo-hah in Wisconsin must be stopped now.

Bravo, Wisconsin!

I say, this is encouraging, a breath of fresh air if ever there’s been one.  Finally, a governor has taken action against the odious ruffians who always go on about wanting more money. Now that the tax burden has finally been lowered on those of us who know how to handle capital, the infernal government still needs a way to cover its expenses. It makes perfect sense to take it from the peasants, who in any case fritter it away on frivolities like food and rent.

This chap has eliminated this troublesome “collective bargaining” claptrap, and has also made sure these blasted unions cannot collect dues. Such funds will be given on a voluntary basis from the rabble that would otherwise be compelled to contribute, and this is smashing news. We won’t have those wretched unions to kick around anymore, and we won’t need to tolerate their blasted messages, “Oh, we need health care,” or, “Oh, we can’t make a living,” or “Oh, we need trained teachers.”

The fact is, we could easily train the bootless and unhorsed to work at Walmart or some other such odious location. They seem to flock to such places, so why should they not be employed there? And the sooner we rid ourselves of these troublesome unions, the sooner we’ll be able to place them there. Education should be offered on a strictly for-profit basis, and should be run by those in the business of business.

Mikey is quite right that those who disrespected Cathie are an affront to democracy. Soon we shall clear that up, and democracy will be whatever Mikey says it is. That’s as it should be. It’s folly to entrust the rabble with democracy. Soon we shall tell them precisely what democracy is, and they will like it, or be pummeled by the National Guard.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Pish Posh

 

That’s all I have to say to the naysayers who carp endlessly about Mikey’s alleged shortcomings regarding the recent storm. I say, take a look at our street. The chauffeur had no issue whatsoever ungaraging the limo, and I’ve no doubt Mikey’s chauffeur had no problem either.

Those who complain have only themselves to blame. Had they the good sense to move into a good neighborhood, onto a decent street, they’d have no problems whatsoever. For the love of Smedley, is it Mikey’s fault if their chauffeurs are unable to manage? Sack them all, say I, and seek out replacements with intestinal fortitude! Yet another upside is, as beginners, these rabble will certainly accept lower compensation. Why waste one’s hard-inherited capital on exorbitant salaries when one could invest in a bank and see an upside?

Mikey is doing an excellent job, and has seen to it once again that those who count are taken care of. It’s not as though properties in good neighborhoods are unavailable. One simply has to have the wherewithal to purchase in the right place, and one will be well-taken care of. It’s as plain as the nose on Joel Klein’s face, which I shall miss dearly. Fortunately he’s always an email away. And for those of you who have criticized Joel as unresponsive, I find he immediately responds to my missives. You need only be polite, live in the right neighborhood, and give generously to the right causes. I never cease to be amazed at the lack of foresight and courtesy in your average rabble.

I will wholeheartedly support Mikey when he seeks his fourth term. Anyone who does not simply lacks the judgment it takes to benefit from the system, which can be easily circumvented. I’ve graciously provided several examples in this very piece, and if one chooses not to avail one’s self of them, one has only one’s self to blame.

And one more tip–if you failed to plan, and live on one of those unimportant side streets, have the chauffeurs band together and dig out the street. For goodness sake, it’s not as if they’ve got anything better to do!

Not Enough

For the love of Smedley, it’s time to dispense with these mamby-pamby school turnaround schemes. Fire half the staff? Replace principals? Pish posh.

When a school is closed, it needs to be demolished, with extreme prejudice if at all possible. The rubble should be cleared away and a suitable real-estate developer should be selected via no-bid contract to construct a new edifice. Then an appropriate charter school operator, like myself or my friend Courtney Ross, should get input on its design. Since it’s a no-bid contract, we need not bother with those troublesome union regs and may hire whom we wish. That’s the American Way.

I have faith that my friend Cathie will soon enable such changes. In fact, I’d suggest simply dynamiting all existing schools so as to make room for worthy charter chains like the Smellington Academy. Frankly, this is the only way to give the little urchins the training they need. Why should the Walton family, which has given and sacrificed so much to the education of the bootless and unhorsed, be further saddled with the necessity of training its workers, or “associates” as they jocularly label them?

These are banner times for billionaires, and we need move straight ahead. And thank goodness that Obama chap has extended the tax breaks. Let the party continue! What’s good for Bill Gates and me is what’s good for the country!

We’re making great progress. If only that noisy Senator Sanders would shut his festering gob. Wikileaks first, say I.

Swimmingly

That’s how things are going, my friends.  Cathie Black is chancellor, and with all due respect, she will do even a better job than Joel did.  All this piffle about not having experience has thankfully come to naught.  The noisy protesters can stand outside of Tweed from now until Doomsday for all I care.  Mikey chose Cath, and she will be fabulous.  Muffy and I were at a party the other night and thanked her for taking this job.

First of all, Cathie has extensive experience in discharging unprofitable employees.  Her first task will be to look at all the deadwood and remove it.  The best way, in our view, is to look at salary.  Get rid of anyone making above minimum, and then get the others to agree to a pay freeze.  Right now Barack Obama is asking federal employees to take one and it would be downright unpatriotic for those overpaid pedagogues to refuse.

Then we need to get rid of those Absent Teacher Reserve characters. If they haven’t found jobs yet they need to collect aluminum cans with the rest of the riffraff. Then more charter schools, Smellington Academies in each borough, and we’ll get rid of that nasty union once and for all. Bill Gates says that will happen very soon, and that merit pay will help, as few or no teachers will ever get it. Honestly, teachers should work for tips. Pay them minimum wage until we can abolish it, and then leave a tip jar on their desks during parent teacher conferences. Then people could pay what they like and PLUs could pay nothing. It’s not really on to force us to educate the urchins. Honestly, if you can’t afford a private school you’re not going to be educated anyway. Lesson 1 is have enough to pay your way.

Take heart, all. Cathie Black is very much with the program and will help get the billions of dollars funneled to schools in the correct pockets. It’s a banner day for us. Must dash, as Muffy and the poolboy are making alarming noises in the next room.

A Glorious Week

On Tuesday, Andrew Cuomo will become Governor of New York State and there will be a big change. Less likely Carl Paladino will become Governor of New York State and there will be a big change.   What’s important is we have fundamentally changed the conversation, and either way, we win.  Billionaires finally win, whether you vote for a Democrat or a Republican.  No one shall stand in the way of Smellington Academies, which will blossom like exclusive clubs all over our fair state.  We will teach the bootless and unhorsed our ways and they will finally raise their children to give due deference to the moneyed classes.

And let me say plainly, we’ve waited a long time for this. It used to be even a Republican governor, like that blasted Nelson Rockefeller, would feign liberalism just to have a shot at reelection. Nowadays, the punters will vote for whoever we say, and that’s as it should be.  For the love of Smedley, why should I have to invest my hard-inherited funds on politicians? Oh, it’s true Andrew Cuomo didn’t come cheap, but knowing he would win allowed us to save big on his opponent, who can fund his own campaign anyway.

With Andrew Cuomo as governor, Barack Obama as President, and Mikey as Mayor, this really has become our little playground. We’ve got all those tea party chaps insisting that we retain the Bush tax cuts and we can plow that money right back into keeping the punters in line where they belong. Muffy and the poolboy shan’t want for anything, though I certainly wish they’d wiggle out of the crawl space.  What blasted thing could they be fixing down there?

Anyway, be of good cheer.  The schools are as good as ours, and there’s billions in them. We’ve got the papers, the schools, the government, and next it’s onto those blasted internets. Once we control who can and cannot get on, we’ll have it all.  Keep your eyes peeled for online Smellington Academies!  They’re the wave of the future!

Smellington G. Worthington III

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane…

It’s a dashing good piece of cinema, if I don’t say so myself.  Bully for Davis Guggenheim for standing up to the naysayers and sticking up for the Billionaire Point of View.  It’s good to see folks like that Rhee woman saying kids are getting a crappy education in those schools she runs.  Doubtless she’d be overjoyed to see them replaced by a chain of Smellington Academies.  Drat the luck that got her mentor out of office, but money and time, as always, will win the day.

I’m delighted with the folks at MSNBC, who usually spout liberal claptrap, for further publicizing the film.  Muffy was so moved by it that she and the poolboy had to spend an entire 45 minutes in the restroom so she could compose herself.  She missed the part where that awful Weingarten woman came on the screen.  Fortunately sinister music came on and the entire audience booed.  It’s about time we started firing more teachers.  Certainly we could hire them more cheaply and replace them more easily if our hands weren’t tied by those blasted contracts.

Remember, it’s children first.  And we’ll get to the children.  First we have to show those darn teachers who’s boss, and I think this film will help us enormously in our efforts.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Bravo to this Obama Chap

I say, it’s refreshing to finally have a President who openly admits the needs of the rich outweigh those of the poor.  This Obama fellow, it appears, threatened to veto any bill that would take money away from Race to the Top.  As readers are no doubt aware, Race to the Top encourages innovations from chaps like Bill Gates, yours truly, and those lovable Wal-Mart folks.  We have priorities and we know what’s important.

When we get to close a public school and drain it of unionized employees, it’s good for business.  As any fool knows, what’s good for business is good for America.  Otherwise, why would the government see fit to bail us out whenever we find ourselves in a bit of a tizzy?  It’s brilliant of the Obama fellow to take the funds from food stamps.  What on earth do people produce by using food stamps?  It is, frankly, one of the most unproductive uses of money I can imagine.  What does it produce?

To take it a step further, what would happen if one of the great unwashed consumed something poisonous?  Would the government step in to help?  Hopefully not, as that would cause even more drain on society, and possibly lead to a tax increase for PLUs.  On the other hand, if I were to make a spectacularly unfavorable investment, you can be sure that this government would fly to my rescue and cover it, as they did last year.

It’s fairly clear that investing in rich people involves no risk whatsoever, while investing in the bootless and unhorsed is a dicey prospect indeed.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Bravo for Donors Choose

I say, I was just reading this reprehensible piece of trash on the internets when I noticed there was some group called Donors Choose encouraging teachers to see Waiting for Superman.  For the uninitiated, Waiting for Superman is a really boffo film that explains how bad teacher unions are, and how we need to replace unionized schools with charters forthwith.  Naturally, this is a message that needs to be peddled to the great unwashed, and this organization has dedicated itself to making sure teachers see it.

In fact, at the Smellington Academy, viewing of this film will be mandatory for any teachers wishing to work for us.  They should be proud to receive this information.  Though they will not be on the clock for viewing the film, we will give them all two full hours in the evening to see it.  We will require, of course, a favorable review of at least 1200 words, but otherwise it will be strictly a pleasurable experience.

We at the Smellington Academy are always on the lookout for boffo organizations like Donor Choose, and if the chap who dreamt up this admirable plan should ever find himself at a loose end, there are always management positions open at the academy.

Cheerio, all.

Smellington G. Worthington III

A Grand Week

I say, it’s delightful to see Bill Gates addressing one of those awful teacher unions.  They’ve finally seen the light and decided to do as they’re told.  Personally, I couldn’t be more delighted.  It’s about time we placed regulations to get rid of that awful tenure thing.  Clearly an employer should be able to fire whomever he wants, if not for the simple fact that it’s his money, but as a cost-cutting measure.

If teachers want raises for simply working longer than other teachers, fine, say I.  As soon as they are up for a rise, we’ll discharge them, and seek eager urchins to take their places.  After all, what do the rabble need to know when all is said and done?  How to serve quietly and with a modicum of dignity.  As that Jay Matthews chap says, they should work hard and be nice.

I’ve asked Muffy to provide and update, but sadly she and the poolboy joined a book club months ago, and have been studying most every night.  I do hope they finish that blasted book soon.  I’ve offered to read it myself, but they claim it’s an educational voyage of some sort, blast it all.

I shall try to provide regular updates.  I predict a smashing summer for billionaires everywhere, and if you’re weary of paying the Dalton school, we shall be providing special programs for children of PLUs at the Smellington Academy.  There is a lottery, of course, but if you are a PLU you’re certain to win it and save all that inconvenient tuition money.  After all, why should you dip into your petty cash when we can just as easily bill the taxpayer?

Will be at the Hampton address beginning Wednesday if you wish to drop by.  Only hope I can persuade Muffy to miss a meeting or two at that blasted book club.

Cheerio!

All in a Titter

I say, this Okey chap is not what I’d call an OK chap.  His priorities are most decidedly twisted.  How on earth could he be taking money away from Race to the Top simply to save teachers?  Why do we want teachers when we can have reform, like school closings and merit pay, that truly enable noble ventures like the Smellington Academy to take their places?  Our President is most definitely a right-thinking fellow, which is why he’s promised to veto these absurd measures.

With fewer unionized teachers there’ll be more opportunity to fulfill the golden vision of at-will employment for all.  If I’m paying the salary, I am entitled to fire the employee for whatever I wish, and why not teachers too?  What if they aren’t teaching the Smellington way?  Do I want my teachers blathering on about urchin’s rights, or training them to work long hours for low pay, thus enriching people who actually know how to invest money, rather than frittering it away on rent and groceries?

I’m relieved that New York has finally come along and decided to accept the wise reforms that Arne is promoting.  Eventually we will rid ourselves of those awful unions altogether and pay workers what we decide.  Only then will we be able to withdraw that awful minimum wage, bring back company stores, and have workers go to their graves owing employers money.  Surely by then we’ll be able to pass debts to next of kin, or at the very least have the government guarantee it.

I see a bright future for our organization, and for our visionary philosophy.

Smellington G. Worthington III

A Smashing Great Month

I say, Muffy and I are simply beside ourselves with all the progress we’ve made this month.  First, those awful public school teachers are finally going to be judged by test scores.  Frankly, that’s a gift to Mikey and Joel, who can design tests to produce whatever results they like.  Why, we can design tests so difficult that no one can pass them, do it two years in a row, and then finally get rid of all those overpaid teachers with years and years of experience.  Sure we’ll have to pay those oversized pensions, but we can correct that in the future.  In fact if we do this on any regular basis we can turn over staff every two or three years.

Best of all, we’ve raised the charter cap, and we will have another hundred charters right here in Manhattan.  Perhaps we can turn all of Harlem into one entire charter school.  We were very fortunate that the awful proposal to have the rabble have a say in where charter schools are located was turned back.  Joel and Eva know where they belong, and I’m certain they will place them well.

Finally Mikey has done very well by refusing those awful unionized teachers raises.  It’s about time we had a mayor who’d stand up and say no more money for you, and I don’t care about any darn contract!  Let’s put those slovenly teachers in their places, rather than have them out buying big screen TVs and other luxuries that rightly belong to the upper classes!  And today, the Daily News says he’s going to fire teachers anyway!

Good for him, say I!  Let’s continue our march toward a system where education trains the bootless and unhorsed to serve us, as they rightly should!

Bravo for the State Senate

I say, it’s high time we stopped tossing about cash on these little urchins.  Give them the absolute minimum, show them how to be good little workers, and they’ll be faithful servants for as long as they’re needed.  It’s hard to get good help these days.  Several times daily, I tell the chauffeur to garage the limo, but he’s circling about the block trying to impress some floozie or other.  Train them as children, say I, and they’ll do whatever requested of them.  That Geoffrey Canada chap has the right stuff, and God bless American Express for giving him a forum.

Muffy and the poolboy are all for this, and seem to have created their own classroom in which they model the prescribed behavior.  At least I hope that’s what they’re doing, as they’ve locked the door and are making the most remarkable grunting and shouting sounds.  Spare the rod and spoil the child is what I say, and it’s jolly high time we brought back corporal punishment and dispensed with this mamby-pamby nonsense they’re given in those public schools.  The sooner they close them the better.

Personally, I’ve had it up to here with all this gobbledygook about social justice and entitlement.  Bill Gates, Joel Klein, and yes, the President of the United States have another vision.  Let’s halt all this nonsense about blaming Wall Street for the economy, and the sooner we do that, the sooner we can lay all these lost dollars at the feet of the unionized teachers.  The punters will eat it up.

Let’s get them to stop talking about, “Why can’t I have this or that?” and focus directly on “Why do teachers have this or that?”  That way, they’ll be happy about the downfall of these socialized workers, and be happy with whatever trickles down on them.  Finally, we have a Democrat in office who will help us, and what’s better than that?

With the money they don’t put in public schools, we can build our charter network to the point of replacing them completely.  Teachers will be at-will employees who last a maximum of five years, we can pay ourselves whatever we want, and then we can start making some real money from this “education” our taxes have been funding all these years.

Cheerio!

Smellington G. Worthington III

Jolly Good News

I say, Mikey really outdid himself last night, shutting all those nasty public schools.  I’ve every confidence we can place a Smellington Academy in every darn one of them.  Perhaps we’ll install multiple Smellington Academies.  We need only change the name.

Muffy could certainly frolic in the pool at Jamaica to their heart’s content.   Perhaps we can finally let go of that blasted poolboy.  I’m getting a sight tired of finding the hopeless young man lost in my closet with half his clothes missing.  Confidentially, I think his brain is addled or something.

Anyway, jolly good show with all those hearings and whatnot, giving the unruly rabble time to vent their cut-rate spleens and then moving ahead with business.  After all, business is business.

This school business is going to make us all twice as rich, thrice as rich.  Why waste all those tax dollars on teachers?  If they were smart enough to be teachers, they wouldn’t be paying taxes anyway.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Dashing Good News

I say, it’s high time those liberal snobs in the New York Times got off their high horse and gave us some credit for all the good we do.   Finally there’s a column that acknowledges our role in starting charter schools.  And it’s not like the rest of the country, where they actually create or rent buildings for them.  In this state, we get right in there, eject the undesirable vermin that infest the public schools, and plop our programs right there.

Where else but Mikey’s New York would such innovation take place?  We’re here, we’re wealthy, get used to it.  The hip new thing is education, of course, and since there are billions in it, why on earth shouldn’t we profit from it?  I’m weary of those socialist ne’er do wells who harp on the various bailouts.  If they bailed out the banks, there’s no reason they can’t damn well bail out the charter magnates as well.

We’re doing our bit to rid society of those awful unions and give teachers wages we think they deserve.  Wages we can afford, and still turn a healthy profit.  And we’ll show these little urchins that their hard work can result in even more profit for us.  The scourge of organized labor is coming to a screeching halt, and I’m thankful the liberal New York Times is spreading the word for us.  It’s like Christmas is weeks early and we don’t even have to bear the expense of the lumps of coal we’d budgeted for the dirty little scamps.

I wish you all a lucrative holiday season and a profitable New Year.  Must dash.  Muffy and the poolboy are raising a ruckus in the rumpus room.

Smellington G. Worthington III

Things Are Coming Along Swimmingly

I say, it appears Mikey and Joel have employed a Goldman Sachs hypnotherapist for a piddling 374K per annum, and the rabble is already hooting about it.  There’s some uncouth individual by the name of “Reality Based Educator” whining simply because he was hired by another Goldman Sachs alum.

That’s the way the world works, old chap.  It’s all about connections.  If you went to Yale, of course you’ll look for similar-minded individuals.  Why are such individuals even permitted to comment on the internet?  We’ll see about this nonsense.

I say Bravo, Mikey, for allowing the grand tradition of the old boys network to flourish in our fair municipality!  May you rule for many decades to come!

Smellington G. Worthington III

Rhee-markable

I say, the Worthington household is all abuzz with the fabulous work of the groundbreaking Washington DC Chancellor.  Michelle Rhee is most certainly a model for Mikey and Joel.

No seniority nonsense for her.  Dump hundreds of teachers on the street, and leave them there.  This is what needs to happen to the bootless and unhorsed when they get uppity.  Now all we need is for Mikey and Joel to get on the bandwagon.  In three days they’ll have another four years, and I see no reason why we couldn’t get a fourth term.

It’s about time the great unwashed learn that we do what we want, when we want, and how we want.  Thanks to our valiant Mayor for demonstrating this, and don’t forget the great work of this Rhee woman.

She’s a model for us all.