The Lead Teacher

Recently Muffy and I have been examining the weblogs that teachers write. We became very interested when we started reading about “Lead Teachers.” Now Muffy and I occasionally watch “Iron Chef,” as Cook now and then becomes tiresome. We’ll often have Cook watch the Tivo and duplicate the recipes.

In any case, there seems to be some sort of hoopla over becoming an “Iron Chef.” However, who would want to be a “Lead Teacher?” I could see if it were named after a precious metal. Who wouldn’t want to be a “Platinum Teacher” or even a “Gold Teacher?” But “Lead Teacher?” Sounds like a dog’s dinner to me.

And therein is the problem with the school system today. If we’d adjust the names, perhaps we could convince the teachers that this is some sort of honor. This would, perhaps, prevent them from asking for so much money, and would open up just so much more for investment purposes. You may not realize this, but “Lead Teachers” actually get paid more money than regular teachers. And who can blame the plebs for taking the money, after having this degrading moniker hung around their necks?

I say, Mikey, get with the program old chap! Let’s have “Platinum Teachers” and “Gold Teachers.” Let’s freely dispense free prestige, and halt the process of dispensing valuable taxpayer dollars. These dollars could be used for tax breaks for investors and real-estate speculation. Let’s not throw them away on salaries for the lower classes!

Smellington G. Worthington III



Filed under old chap!

18 responses to “The Lead Teacher

  1. Lydia

    That makes perfect sense to me, Smellington.

  2. Umm…Lydia,

    My apologies. I have learned that you are not a traitor to the cause of privatization after all.

    It was those untrustworthy street urchins tricking me into thinking you were a subversive. All the while complaining about how cold it is out there.


    Sorry for the error, Sir Smellington.

  3. Chatsworth Runforth III

    Smelly, old chap, smashing idea, but I think you’ve gone soft! Why would it only prevent them from asking for more money? Why not charge them for the honor? This is why I’ll be the perfect next Mayor, to take good ideas such as yours, and turn them into a profit.

  4. Lydia

    I’m starting to wonder about Unworthy. When I clicked on the name, it led me to a questionable site. Maybe Unworthy accused me to hide some personal disgrace. And let me point out that I was the first to applaud the new interpretation of the lead teacher.

  5. Let’s not have any more discussion of treachery. When Chatty is mayor, there will be dire consequences for such offenses. No more mollycoddling, that’s what I say. Both rich and poor are forbidden to steal bread and sleep under bridges, and they’d better not forget it.

    I’m going to write a letter to Mikey about this whole lead teacher thing. It’s an unworthy and unprofitable diversion.

  6. Brood Bates

    I was shocked old boy to read that our man Joel had not had a raise in 5 years. Unconscionable that he is stuck at $250,000 a year. Why that woman Randi Weinsomething makes a hundred thousand more. How are we going to keep up when we allow our CEO’s salary to sink so low?

  7. Brood old bean, we’ve missed you at the club. Muffy sends her best but she’s out doing a bit of yardwork with that new gardener. A bit cold for that, if you ask me, but what they hay, as the young people say.

    Hope things are moving along, and I wish you happy holidays and a highly lucrative new year.

    Who is this Randi Weinsomething? I vaguely recall hearing something about her.

  8. Chatsworth Runford III

    Brood, old boy, if that Randi Weinsomething is smart, she’ll chip in some of that extra hundred thousand to help give Joel a well deserved raise. She knows “who’s her daddy”, as the young people say.

  9. anonymous

    Umm…I think lead teacher is pronounced “leed” teacher, not “led” teacher. That’s a teacher to be a leader, and it has nothing to do with metals. The teacher does more work and gets paid more.

  10. Dear Rabble,

    I say, your spelling is abominable. You’re clearly the product of public schools. Why don’t you get with the program here? We know they get paid more, which is why we want to improve the contract.

  11. I found these rules and thought you might try adapting some. They seem in line with your philosophy

    1872 Teachers Rules

    1. Teachers each day will fill lamps & clean chimneys.

    2. Each teacher will bring a bucket of water & scuttle of coal.

    3. Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to the individual taste of pupils.

    4. Men teachers may take one evening each week for courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go to church regularly.

    5. After ten hours in school, the teachers may spend the remaining time reading the bible or other good books.

    6. Women teachers who marry or engage in unseemly conduct will be dismissed.

    7. Every teacher should lay aside from each pay a goodly sum of their earnings for their benefit during their declining years so that they will not become a burden to society.

    8. Any teacher who smokes, uses liquor in any form, frequents pool halls, or gets shaven in a barber shop will give good reason to suspect their worth, intention, integrity and honesty.

    9. The teacher who performs his labor faithfully and without fault for five years will be given an increase of twenty-five cents per week in their pay, providing the board of education approves.

    Rules in 1915

    1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.

    2. You are not to keep company with men

    3. You must be home between the hours of 8:00 p.m. and 6:00 a.m. unless attending a school function.

    4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.

    5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.

    6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.

    7. You may not smoke cigarettes.

    8. You may not dress in bright colors.

    9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.

    10. You must wear at least two petticoats.

    11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.

    12. To keep the school neat and clean. You must: Sweep the floor at least once daily; Scrub the floor at least one a week with hot, soapy water; Clean the blackboards at least once a day and start the fire at 7:00 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8:00 a.m.

  12. Chatsworth Runford III

    When I am crowned – I mean elected Mayor, you will be “pissed off” no longer. Your ideas are a welcome change from the drivel we put up with from teachers who have been mollycoddled all too long. My first act as Mayor will be to name you as my Schools Chancellor.

  13. I humbly accept that job but only if you let me donate my salary back to you.

  14. Chatsworth Runford III

    What salary?

  15. I say, Chatsworth, I must protest the preposterous and prolific presumptuousness of these pedagogues.

  16. Chatsworth Runforth III

    Agreed, Smellington. This petty purloining of pedagogical privilege must be punished!

  17. O.L. "Big Oil" Buxton

    You all are on the right track with this here “lead teacher” business. I’m fixing to go with “light sweet crude teacher.” And I’m sure as hell not going to give them any more money. If teachers want more money, they can moonlight at the Bux Oil refinery. (I got me some Mexicans on the overnight shift that need firing. They’re making noise about stuff that don’t concern them at all — plant safety and such.) If the kids in their schools get all the answers right on our boy George’s test and they got a good football team, I might put up a billboard along the highway by the refinery. And I might even name one a my tanker ships after a good looking one.

    One thing I think we got to be careful about. There’s an awful lot a them Hebrew types involved in this school business. Down here we got this fellow Sandy Kress making a few hundred grand a year at it. Sounds like you got a mess of them up in New York. Now, those folks are fine as far as they go. I got them counting my money every day and such like. As long as they ain’t looking to get more than might leak out one a my pipelines that’s okay. Anyway, just you keep an eye on them folk.

    Best a luck to you, Chatty. (Like you need it.) Send a wire if you need to swap checks on account a some silly laws you all got up there.

  18. Chatsworth Runford III

    I just may take you up on that, old boy. And as for your boy George, Texas’ greatest gift to us billionaires, we’re all fixin’ (that’s how you Texas blokes put it, I believe) to make sure he becomes one of us just as soon as he turns over that White Mansion in Washington to our boy Mikey.

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