The Smellington Academy

Greetings friends. This is a time for reflection and resolution, and as it’s been a heck of a good year, financially speaking, I’ve resolved to start a new charter school, at government expense of course. As times are good, rabble are working more hours for less pay, and our school will emphasize that.

First of all, we will provide housing for teachers. This has proven to be a huge problem for many recruiting efforts in this city, and we’ve found a quick and easy way to resolve it. We will provide cots in the basements of the buildings we use, and our teachers can sleep there. Naturally we will deduct the cost of rent from their salaries. We will also provide meal tickets, and the teachers will be required to eat in our cafeteria. We will also provide uniforms and deduct that from the teacher salary.

As we are a profit-based organization, we will not offer high salaries. Thus, after deductions, it will be likely that the teachers will owe us a substantial sum. Naturally, we will provide ample opportunity for teachers to work off debt. These opportunities will come in the form of cafeteria and custodial jobs, and perhaps even work around the Worthington household. We may even send one or two teachers to clean the streets, thus contributing to our fair city.

School will run six days a week, and teachers will be on call when not working. Thus, parents of the rabble will be able to contact them at any time. However, should parents call when teachers are working in the cafeteria, phone time will be deducted from their wages.

We anticipate very little teacher turnover. This is because the rate of indebtedness should increase with time. Naturally we will have our employees sign waivers, so that upon death, debts may be passed to next of kin. As we are big-hearted, we will offer kin ample opportunity to work off the debt of their ancestors, as well as accruing new debt of their very own.

We are an equal-opportunity employer, and we will dispense with such nonsense as teacher certification. We will train the rabble in what to expect, and hopefully many of our graduates will come to teach at our school. This is the new paradigm, and remember you saw it here first.

Smellington G. Worthington III

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “The Smellington Academy

  1. Chatsworth Runford III

    Ah, Smelly, this reminds me of a song from a smashing old musical about our fair city:

    “New York, New York, it’s a company town,
    The stocks are up and the salaries down.”

  2. 15 more years

    Sounds like a fabulous opportunity- where do I sign up?

  3. unworthy

    What an opportunity indeed!

    Do you accept outsiders willing to move to NYC to train for the Academy?

    Gosh, lifelong indebtedness seems a small price to pay for the privelege of working for you.

  4. It’s highly gratifying to see the interest our little academy has already created. I think first our staff will have to fill out applications, as it’s important to make the government pay for this school, in order to maximize profits. I suspect we may have to grease a palm or two, but that’s all part of the cost of doing business, and we’ll surely find a way to bill the government for that in any case.

    This is poised to be a smashing new year indeed. Just smashing.

  5. Chatsworth Runford III

    “My country tis of thee
    Sweet land of subsidy … ”

    Smelly, your ideas bring out the patriotism in all of us. Smashing, indeed!

  6. That’s the trouble with this country. No patriotism. And no matriotism either. I certainly hope you’ll address this shortcoming as Mayor, Chatsworth.

  7. Pingback: Columbus Education Association » Blog Archive » Let's Carnival-- The Carnival of Education!

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