Category Archives: innovation

Bravo, Joel!

I say, it’s bold of Joel to write this piece, pointing out how billionaires have managed to influence the politicians to finally represent their point of view in education. For too long, it’s been, “Oh, how can we help the rabble?” and “Oh, we aren’t spending enough on the bootless and unhorsed.” Now, finally, we’re seeing a return to traditional values, favoring the rich, and showing the little urchins how to best serve our needs.

Joel Klein knows that good old 19th century values are what America needs today. That’s why he’s willing to stand up against wasteful pensions and benefits. Do health benefits make better teachers? Does a pension make a better teacher? Of course not! Nonetheless, low salaries certainly save dollars that can go to tax cuts for important people like me, Muffy, Michael Bloomberg and Eli Broad.

We have made great progress in our quest. I thank you, my loyal readers, and pledge to bring a chain of Smellington charter schools that will embody all of Joel’s values. And Rupie’s job offer has certainly sustained those values! Bravo to Rupie too!

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Bravo, Mr. Governor

I say, this Andrew Cuomo is a smashing chap, just smashing. When I read a plan like this one, I’m heartened to see that all that money we gave him is finally paying off. It appears we’re dispensing with that nonsensical plan that the Regents cooked up with that odious union, and finally coming up with something we can manipulate any way we please.

This way, we can send teachers to classes where we know no progress will be made, and in a mere two years we can get them off the payroll. This will free up job opportunities for those whom we feel actually merit them. It could be in-laws, cousins, or reliable contributors to political campaigns. After all since we really represent 1% of the population, it’s really well-advised to shore up our numbers whenever possible.

Let’s have a hip-hip hooray for noble Andrew Cuomo! Every man has his price, and I for one shall sleep sounder knowing he’s bought and paid for. And for those teachers who are always complaining, there will always be dignified non-union jobs at the Smellington Academy for those who know how to do what they’re told. Sure, they won’t pay as well, but you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you’re training the little urchins for their own jobs that won’t pay well. Thank goodness that Obama fellow didn’t go through with his threat to enable that Employee Free Choice Act, promoting those nasty Bolshevik trade unions!

It’s morning in America again!

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A Glorious Week

On Tuesday, Andrew Cuomo will become Governor of New York State and there will be a big change. Less likely Carl Paladino will become Governor of New York State and there will be a big change.   What’s important is we have fundamentally changed the conversation, and either way, we win.  Billionaires finally win, whether you vote for a Democrat or a Republican.  No one shall stand in the way of Smellington Academies, which will blossom like exclusive clubs all over our fair state.  We will teach the bootless and unhorsed our ways and they will finally raise their children to give due deference to the moneyed classes.

And let me say plainly, we’ve waited a long time for this. It used to be even a Republican governor, like that blasted Nelson Rockefeller, would feign liberalism just to have a shot at reelection. Nowadays, the punters will vote for whoever we say, and that’s as it should be.  For the love of Smedley, why should I have to invest my hard-inherited funds on politicians? Oh, it’s true Andrew Cuomo didn’t come cheap, but knowing he would win allowed us to save big on his opponent, who can fund his own campaign anyway.

With Andrew Cuomo as governor, Barack Obama as President, and Mikey as Mayor, this really has become our little playground. We’ve got all those tea party chaps insisting that we retain the Bush tax cuts and we can plow that money right back into keeping the punters in line where they belong. Muffy and the poolboy shan’t want for anything, though I certainly wish they’d wiggle out of the crawl space.  What blasted thing could they be fixing down there?

Anyway, be of good cheer.  The schools are as good as ours, and there’s billions in them. We’ve got the papers, the schools, the government, and next it’s onto those blasted internets. Once we control who can and cannot get on, we’ll have it all.  Keep your eyes peeled for online Smellington Academies!  They’re the wave of the future!

Smellington G. Worthington III

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It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane…

It’s a dashing good piece of cinema, if I don’t say so myself.  Bully for Davis Guggenheim for standing up to the naysayers and sticking up for the Billionaire Point of View.  It’s good to see folks like that Rhee woman saying kids are getting a crappy education in those schools she runs.  Doubtless she’d be overjoyed to see them replaced by a chain of Smellington Academies.  Drat the luck that got her mentor out of office, but money and time, as always, will win the day.

I’m delighted with the folks at MSNBC, who usually spout liberal claptrap, for further publicizing the film.  Muffy was so moved by it that she and the poolboy had to spend an entire 45 minutes in the restroom so she could compose herself.  She missed the part where that awful Weingarten woman came on the screen.  Fortunately sinister music came on and the entire audience booed.  It’s about time we started firing more teachers.  Certainly we could hire them more cheaply and replace them more easily if our hands weren’t tied by those blasted contracts.

Remember, it’s children first.  And we’ll get to the children.  First we have to show those darn teachers who’s boss, and I think this film will help us enormously in our efforts.

Smellington G. Worthington III

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A Grand Week

I say, it’s delightful to see Bill Gates addressing one of those awful teacher unions.  They’ve finally seen the light and decided to do as they’re told.  Personally, I couldn’t be more delighted.  It’s about time we placed regulations to get rid of that awful tenure thing.  Clearly an employer should be able to fire whomever he wants, if not for the simple fact that it’s his money, but as a cost-cutting measure.

If teachers want raises for simply working longer than other teachers, fine, say I.  As soon as they are up for a rise, we’ll discharge them, and seek eager urchins to take their places.  After all, what do the rabble need to know when all is said and done?  How to serve quietly and with a modicum of dignity.  As that Jay Matthews chap says, they should work hard and be nice.

I’ve asked Muffy to provide and update, but sadly she and the poolboy joined a book club months ago, and have been studying most every night.  I do hope they finish that blasted book soon.  I’ve offered to read it myself, but they claim it’s an educational voyage of some sort, blast it all.

I shall try to provide regular updates.  I predict a smashing summer for billionaires everywhere, and if you’re weary of paying the Dalton school, we shall be providing special programs for children of PLUs at the Smellington Academy.  There is a lottery, of course, but if you are a PLU you’re certain to win it and save all that inconvenient tuition money.  After all, why should you dip into your petty cash when we can just as easily bill the taxpayer?

Will be at the Hampton address beginning Wednesday if you wish to drop by.  Only hope I can persuade Muffy to miss a meeting or two at that blasted book club.

Cheerio!

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All in a Titter

I say, this Okey chap is not what I’d call an OK chap.  His priorities are most decidedly twisted.  How on earth could he be taking money away from Race to the Top simply to save teachers?  Why do we want teachers when we can have reform, like school closings and merit pay, that truly enable noble ventures like the Smellington Academy to take their places?  Our President is most definitely a right-thinking fellow, which is why he’s promised to veto these absurd measures.

With fewer unionized teachers there’ll be more opportunity to fulfill the golden vision of at-will employment for all.  If I’m paying the salary, I am entitled to fire the employee for whatever I wish, and why not teachers too?  What if they aren’t teaching the Smellington way?  Do I want my teachers blathering on about urchin’s rights, or training them to work long hours for low pay, thus enriching people who actually know how to invest money, rather than frittering it away on rent and groceries?

I’m relieved that New York has finally come along and decided to accept the wise reforms that Arne is promoting.  Eventually we will rid ourselves of those awful unions altogether and pay workers what we decide.  Only then will we be able to withdraw that awful minimum wage, bring back company stores, and have workers go to their graves owing employers money.  Surely by then we’ll be able to pass debts to next of kin, or at the very least have the government guarantee it.

I see a bright future for our organization, and for our visionary philosophy.

Smellington G. Worthington III

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What’s in a Name?

I must say that Smelly and I are absolutely enthralled with the Obama administration, and his splendiferous education secretary Arne Duncan. Though I must say I had my doubts when Obama was first elected – I mean look at his wife! – and then when his cabinet secretary was first named I really wasn’t sure.

I mean the fellow is rather gawky and from Chicago no less. And his name –Duncan Doughnuts was all I could think of. But he has quickly proved himself to be one of us, with brilliant ideas like forcing more charter schools on the system, by bribing states with taxpayer money. Though Smelly says its supposed to be called stimulus funds, that seems a bit racy to me.

After all, if we don’t force states to accept more charter schools, how are our children and our friends’ children going to spend their time between college and Wall Street?

I mean, look at Smelly’s hedge fund buddies, Julian Robertson and Michael Steinhardt. Both their children have started their own charter schools – in Brooklyn, no less. . Our nephew Porter is starting his own charter school this fall, after only one year with TFA, and our daughter Buffy plans to start her own charter as soon as she graduates from Penn.

She wants to start one in Harlem, to cut down on her commuting time from the Upper East Side, or perhaps downtown, if she chooses to slum it in the Village.

Luckily, Joel has promised us that wherever Buffy decides, she will be provided with quality real estate in an existing public school so that she doesn’t have to dip into her trust fund to rent space. He’s promised to provide free food, transportation, and anything else she needs for her school, and help recruit students as well, so that there will be plenty left over to feed her Manolo Blahnik habit.

But I’m a little worried that this woman, Eva Muskowitz (is that her name?) will have taken all the good spaces by that time. I must speak to Joel about that soon.

The other problem is that all the good school names are being used up! Harlem Success Academy, Harlem Children’s Zone, Harlem Democracy Prep, Harlem Village Academy, Harlem Day; what names will be left for Buffy’s school? It’s really a puzzle. Harlem Worthington Academy?

Muffy Worthington

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