Swimmingly

That’s how things are going, my friends.  Cathie Black is chancellor, and with all due respect, she will do even a better job than Joel did.  All this piffle about not having experience has thankfully come to naught.  The noisy protesters can stand outside of Tweed from now until Doomsday for all I care.  Mikey chose Cath, and she will be fabulous.  Muffy and I were at a party the other night and thanked her for taking this job.

First of all, Cathie has extensive experience in discharging unprofitable employees.  Her first task will be to look at all the deadwood and remove it.  The best way, in our view, is to look at salary.  Get rid of anyone making above minimum, and then get the others to agree to a pay freeze.  Right now Barack Obama is asking federal employees to take one and it would be downright unpatriotic for those overpaid pedagogues to refuse.

Then we need to get rid of those Absent Teacher Reserve characters. If they haven’t found jobs yet they need to collect aluminum cans with the rest of the riffraff. Then more charter schools, Smellington Academies in each borough, and we’ll get rid of that nasty union once and for all. Bill Gates says that will happen very soon, and that merit pay will help, as few or no teachers will ever get it. Honestly, teachers should work for tips. Pay them minimum wage until we can abolish it, and then leave a tip jar on their desks during parent teacher conferences. Then people could pay what they like and PLUs could pay nothing. It’s not really on to force us to educate the urchins. Honestly, if you can’t afford a private school you’re not going to be educated anyway. Lesson 1 is have enough to pay your way.

Take heart, all. Cathie Black is very much with the program and will help get the billions of dollars funneled to schools in the correct pockets. It’s a banner day for us. Must dash, as Muffy and the poolboy are making alarming noises in the next room.

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A Glorious Week

On Tuesday, Andrew Cuomo will become Governor of New York State and there will be a big change. Less likely Carl Paladino will become Governor of New York State and there will be a big change.   What’s important is we have fundamentally changed the conversation, and either way, we win.  Billionaires finally win, whether you vote for a Democrat or a Republican.  No one shall stand in the way of Smellington Academies, which will blossom like exclusive clubs all over our fair state.  We will teach the bootless and unhorsed our ways and they will finally raise their children to give due deference to the moneyed classes.

And let me say plainly, we’ve waited a long time for this. It used to be even a Republican governor, like that blasted Nelson Rockefeller, would feign liberalism just to have a shot at reelection. Nowadays, the punters will vote for whoever we say, and that’s as it should be.  For the love of Smedley, why should I have to invest my hard-inherited funds on politicians? Oh, it’s true Andrew Cuomo didn’t come cheap, but knowing he would win allowed us to save big on his opponent, who can fund his own campaign anyway.

With Andrew Cuomo as governor, Barack Obama as President, and Mikey as Mayor, this really has become our little playground. We’ve got all those tea party chaps insisting that we retain the Bush tax cuts and we can plow that money right back into keeping the punters in line where they belong. Muffy and the poolboy shan’t want for anything, though I certainly wish they’d wiggle out of the crawl space.  What blasted thing could they be fixing down there?

Anyway, be of good cheer.  The schools are as good as ours, and there’s billions in them. We’ve got the papers, the schools, the government, and next it’s onto those blasted internets. Once we control who can and cannot get on, we’ll have it all.  Keep your eyes peeled for online Smellington Academies!  They’re the wave of the future!

Smellington G. Worthington III

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It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane…

It’s a dashing good piece of cinema, if I don’t say so myself.  Bully for Davis Guggenheim for standing up to the naysayers and sticking up for the Billionaire Point of View.  It’s good to see folks like that Rhee woman saying kids are getting a crappy education in those schools she runs.  Doubtless she’d be overjoyed to see them replaced by a chain of Smellington Academies.  Drat the luck that got her mentor out of office, but money and time, as always, will win the day.

I’m delighted with the folks at MSNBC, who usually spout liberal claptrap, for further publicizing the film.  Muffy was so moved by it that she and the poolboy had to spend an entire 45 minutes in the restroom so she could compose herself.  She missed the part where that awful Weingarten woman came on the screen.  Fortunately sinister music came on and the entire audience booed.  It’s about time we started firing more teachers.  Certainly we could hire them more cheaply and replace them more easily if our hands weren’t tied by those blasted contracts.

Remember, it’s children first.  And we’ll get to the children.  First we have to show those darn teachers who’s boss, and I think this film will help us enormously in our efforts.

Smellington G. Worthington III

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Bravo to this Obama Chap

I say, it’s refreshing to finally have a President who openly admits the needs of the rich outweigh those of the poor.  This Obama fellow, it appears, threatened to veto any bill that would take money away from Race to the Top.  As readers are no doubt aware, Race to the Top encourages innovations from chaps like Bill Gates, yours truly, and those lovable Wal-Mart folks.  We have priorities and we know what’s important.

When we get to close a public school and drain it of unionized employees, it’s good for business.  As any fool knows, what’s good for business is good for America.  Otherwise, why would the government see fit to bail us out whenever we find ourselves in a bit of a tizzy?  It’s brilliant of the Obama fellow to take the funds from food stamps.  What on earth do people produce by using food stamps?  It is, frankly, one of the most unproductive uses of money I can imagine.  What does it produce?

To take it a step further, what would happen if one of the great unwashed consumed something poisonous?  Would the government step in to help?  Hopefully not, as that would cause even more drain on society, and possibly lead to a tax increase for PLUs.  On the other hand, if I were to make a spectacularly unfavorable investment, you can be sure that this government would fly to my rescue and cover it, as they did last year.

It’s fairly clear that investing in rich people involves no risk whatsoever, while investing in the bootless and unhorsed is a dicey prospect indeed.

Smellington G. Worthington III

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Bravo for Donors Choose

I say, I was just reading this reprehensible piece of trash on the internets when I noticed there was some group called Donors Choose encouraging teachers to see Waiting for Superman.  For the uninitiated, Waiting for Superman is a really boffo film that explains how bad teacher unions are, and how we need to replace unionized schools with charters forthwith.  Naturally, this is a message that needs to be peddled to the great unwashed, and this organization has dedicated itself to making sure teachers see it.

In fact, at the Smellington Academy, viewing of this film will be mandatory for any teachers wishing to work for us.  They should be proud to receive this information.  Though they will not be on the clock for viewing the film, we will give them all two full hours in the evening to see it.  We will require, of course, a favorable review of at least 1200 words, but otherwise it will be strictly a pleasurable experience.

We at the Smellington Academy are always on the lookout for boffo organizations like Donor Choose, and if the chap who dreamt up this admirable plan should ever find himself at a loose end, there are always management positions open at the academy.

Cheerio, all.

Smellington G. Worthington III

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A Grand Week

I say, it’s delightful to see Bill Gates addressing one of those awful teacher unions.  They’ve finally seen the light and decided to do as they’re told.  Personally, I couldn’t be more delighted.  It’s about time we placed regulations to get rid of that awful tenure thing.  Clearly an employer should be able to fire whomever he wants, if not for the simple fact that it’s his money, but as a cost-cutting measure.

If teachers want raises for simply working longer than other teachers, fine, say I.  As soon as they are up for a rise, we’ll discharge them, and seek eager urchins to take their places.  After all, what do the rabble need to know when all is said and done?  How to serve quietly and with a modicum of dignity.  As that Jay Matthews chap says, they should work hard and be nice.

I’ve asked Muffy to provide and update, but sadly she and the poolboy joined a book club months ago, and have been studying most every night.  I do hope they finish that blasted book soon.  I’ve offered to read it myself, but they claim it’s an educational voyage of some sort, blast it all.

I shall try to provide regular updates.  I predict a smashing summer for billionaires everywhere, and if you’re weary of paying the Dalton school, we shall be providing special programs for children of PLUs at the Smellington Academy.  There is a lottery, of course, but if you are a PLU you’re certain to win it and save all that inconvenient tuition money.  After all, why should you dip into your petty cash when we can just as easily bill the taxpayer?

Will be at the Hampton address beginning Wednesday if you wish to drop by.  Only hope I can persuade Muffy to miss a meeting or two at that blasted book club.

Cheerio!

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All in a Titter

I say, this Okey chap is not what I’d call an OK chap.  His priorities are most decidedly twisted.  How on earth could he be taking money away from Race to the Top simply to save teachers?  Why do we want teachers when we can have reform, like school closings and merit pay, that truly enable noble ventures like the Smellington Academy to take their places?  Our President is most definitely a right-thinking fellow, which is why he’s promised to veto these absurd measures.

With fewer unionized teachers there’ll be more opportunity to fulfill the golden vision of at-will employment for all.  If I’m paying the salary, I am entitled to fire the employee for whatever I wish, and why not teachers too?  What if they aren’t teaching the Smellington way?  Do I want my teachers blathering on about urchin’s rights, or training them to work long hours for low pay, thus enriching people who actually know how to invest money, rather than frittering it away on rent and groceries?

I’m relieved that New York has finally come along and decided to accept the wise reforms that Arne is promoting.  Eventually we will rid ourselves of those awful unions altogether and pay workers what we decide.  Only then will we be able to withdraw that awful minimum wage, bring back company stores, and have workers go to their graves owing employers money.  Surely by then we’ll be able to pass debts to next of kin, or at the very least have the government guarantee it.

I see a bright future for our organization, and for our visionary philosophy.

Smellington G. Worthington III

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